Coming to Terms with Me

When I was younger my mom would get all hyped up and get these ideas about how she was going to change her life and I'd find out she had been watching Oprah again... Well- this post is about some realizations I've come to drawn out by none other than the woman my mother always admired, Oprah. At least an article from Oprah.com, by Martha Beck. Read it here.

The article is about burn out. I can think of two distinct times in my life where I burnt out. There have possibly been more, but these are the times that stand out. The beginning of my junior year in college, and about 4 months after my son was born. Today I'm just going to focus on the second one.

When I found out I was pregnant with my son it put a huge road block in my plans. My boyfriend (now husband) and I talked about it for a few months and decided it would be best I stayed home with the baby after he was born. I thought "great! I'll be able to just focus on me and my family." And I counted down the days to my due date, not only because I'd get to meet this human that had taken over my body, but because I'd get to leave the horrible job I was working. I gained 50 lbs with the pregnancy and lost about 25 shortly after birth. I started working out and lost all the weight I had gained, I found a small group through my church, I got baptized, I read every single thing about being a great mom... and I did it all very well.

I slammed into a wall about 4 months later... months of dealing with a colicky baby, working out and eating 'perfectly', trying to become this perfect Christian girl that I was not, trying to be this perfect mother I was never shown how to be, I just broke. I stopped caring. I couldn't care. I wanted to care but I couldn't. I felt suicidal and crazy. I was mean. I felt like I was the only one who cared about making things in our lives right and was tired. I felt like I was fighting a battle in a war completely on my own.

I thought, 'how can I be depressed? everything has been so great. my boyfriend completely supports me, he loves me, he's a great dad... i rarely have to worry about money, my mom lives nearby for the first time in years, my relationship with my dad is better than it has been in years, I've found God, I'm saved..... what is wrong?' I thought maybe it was a chemical imbalance, or just postpartum depression. But it continued for another year, even while taking antidepressants.

I tried 12 step groups, getting more involved in church, getting less involved with church, spending less time on the internet, trying to find a job, getting married, bible studies, workbooks, books... And the biggest thing I've learned is that I gotta be me and I gotta love myself. I have to listen to my own compass and let it direct me and tell me when things are wrong. But most of all, TO STOP TRYING TO BE PERFECT. I can't be something I am not.

The biggest thing I miss after my son came into my life and started this whirlwind is myself. I had spent years developing this person I was, and somehow lost her to motherhood completely by accident. Every day I can't help feeling I was meant for more than this.

So I have to stand up for myself and give me what me needs. Its been a long hard process, but I'm getting there. Relearning to love myself. To take care of myself like I'd take care of my own son. To be gently firm. If my needs aren't met then I'm useless and unhappy. I gotta stop being so uptight so I can enjoy this life.

After reading that article I can see that I was burnt out. A human being can only do so much with their own willpower through so much before they break down, its important we listen to our bodies and feed it what it needs (and no, I don't mean coffee and drugs!). If you feel tired, find the time to sleep. If you can't find it, make it. If feel like you want to start working out, do it, but stop when your body tells you to. If you want to go to the bakery and buy a dozen donuts to eat by yourself, figure out how your feeling and why- then do something about it, don't cover things up with food- it won't do anything but make you fat and feel worse. Just don't give up.

I am sick of feeling bored and lazy. I am determined to love and live my life.

Judgment

Everyone judges everyone else. Its just a fact of life. Letting that judgement get in your way of love and compassion is another story. One I will not get into today.

Today I want to talk about one of my big 'ah-ha' moments this year. I've realized that the judgments I make on others are almost always judgments I've made about myself. Also- the paranoid thinking: "She talks to me that way because she thinks I'm crazy." "She didn't trust me with her kids because she thinks I'm irresponsible." "I was interrupted in that conversation because what I have to say is boring."- These are also judgments I've made on myself, that I use- or this OCD Perfectionist insanity disease uses- to excuse myself from being around people. These thoughts hurt me severely. The pierce through me and cause utter hopelessness. They zap any self-worth I may be holding onto out of me. And whats saddest about it is that I really believe this 'voice'. I believe that the people who care about me, the people who want to know me, my friends, my family, think these horrible things about me secretly. Now- maybe they do- but most likely they don't.

Victimism. I'm so used to being victimized that I generally gravitate to thoughts like these. That way I'm always being hurt, and not the one doing the hurting. That way isolating myself and avoiding LIFE is tolerated because I'm only protecting myself. That way I never have to face the things I do wrong and can scare people away from criticizing me or from trying to help me.

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being this whiny kid. I'm pissed. I've come a long way over the years when it comes to this kind of behavior, but it STILL CRIPPLES MY LIFE. I am so afraid of everything. I really wish it was just a matter of deciding to quit being that way and it happening, but a lifetime bad habits takes a long time to reform.

For today, I rely on positive affirmations and 'I CAN' statements. If I find myself saying I can't do something I try to stop myself and say I CAN. Or I think about it and decide if its something I just don't WANT to do- that helps me face reality a little easier.

*Photo Credit to David Beck-Brown

Erase, Back up, Rewind!!!!

I have people that have been in my life that I wish I could just take a big fat eraser to my brain and erase all contact I ever had with them, and any events that happened that are now painful memories.

I have a tough time letting stuff go. Its when someone does something so nasty, for no seemingly good reason, that keeps me holding on... something that just doesn't make sense, and no matter how I try to wrap my brain around it I cannot figure out what could possibly have got them to act that way. And what REALLY keeps me holding on is when I confront someone about my feelings about it they refuse to apologize. How hard is it to forgive someone who won't apologize??? HOW HARD IS IT TO APOLOGIZE WHEN YOU SINCERELY HURT SOMEONE ???? Even if you didn't mean to, even if you think you're right and they shouldn't be hurt, if they feel hurt, they feel hurt!

I pray to God, every time that fire sparks in my heart and those memories set me ablaze, and allow him to wash his cool love over me, and almost always somehow SOMEHOW I find out something new about person that sets it all off again.

So what do I do?? I keep praying. I keep forgiving. I keep asking God to get this smoldering hearth of coals out of my chest so I can hear this person's name without burning up about it all over again. And every time I take it back, I give it back to Him again. I have to, because staying mad at someone for something that hurt me does absolutely nothing to them, it only hurts me.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you , not seven times, but seventy-seven times." Matthew 18:21-22

The Tight Rope Walk

I have found that the main emotion I experience since I've started OA and begun to realize and remove my negative coping skills is anxiety. My days are filled with having to deal with anxiety and anxiety attacks. I admit, I still do not cope with it in a positive way every time, but when I start feeling the urge to eat, and am aware of that anxiety, its a red flag to figure out whats going on and to ask God to help me deal with it properly. I've learned that when I feel and own my anxiety, and wait it out, it goes away. I have also realized very recently that I have mistaken anxiety for boredom. That when I am feeling bored, I am actually feeling anxiety that I urgently need to be doing something- and in the past I'd eat. My goal is to take this anxiety about being bored, and turn it into something positive- like meditation. Meditation on God and writing about it helps me to wait that anxiety out and feel at peace inside.

Abstinence for me is a tight rope act. I have to be focused on that rope and feel my balance... I realize that when walking on this rope that I definitely will wobble back and forth a lot, but if I keep my hands reached out and steady myself with my tools, staying in balance will become easier as time goes on.

Image from
http://www.niagarafrontier.com/devil_frame.html

Labyrinth of Memories

I'm on step 4 in OA and its a tough one- facing all the mistakes and shame from my past. I don't think anyone can stand admitting when they are wrong- maybe that just comes naturally to some people- but ohhh not for me. I freely admit that yes, I like to think I'm perfect, that my way is always the best way for everyone, and that when someone won't try my way or thinks my way is wrong I have easily written people off or judged them accordingly. Its not so much fun going through all this and realizing what a stubborn fool I've been. Admitting that a lot of relationships that fell apart were my own doing definitely leaves a nasty taste in my mouth!!!

I'm muddling through, facing my mistakes and owning them for once. Even learning from them. I've had some binge days, I've had some good days, but I am no longer the queen of excuses playing the blame game all day. Trying to live for today and not worry about tomorrow and learn from yesterday. I'm doing my best to stick close to God and allow him to hold my hand and take me through this labyrinth of memories.

I need to be gentle with myself and instead of berating myself about these mistakes and wondering "what the HECK is wrong with me???" I can look up to my loving Father and feel his smile shine down on me and his hand warmly close around mine, nod, and move forward... and wow- that's a great new way to live. His grace truly amazes me, his love really is everlasting and always there.

I'm Still Worthy

1Corinthians 8:7-8 says: "7But not all people know this. Some people are still so used to idols that when they eat meat, they still think of it as being sacrificed to an idol. Because their conscience is weak, when they eat it, they feel guilty. 8But food will not bring us closer to God. Refusing to eat does not make us less pleasing to God, and eating does not make us better in God's sight."

I know this is talking bible days when people sacrificed animals and food to false idols, but yesterday when I read this passage it lit up and flew off the page and filled my heart.

Food and dieting have been the two major idols I've worshiped in my lifetime. There are so many foods I have labeled evil and horrible, that if I eat them create in me an unbearable feeling of guilt and despair. Let me just repeat that word: DESPAIR. This isn't the ordinary guilt someone might get from eating one too many oreos. This is guilt that brings up the voice of my disease, "Danielle, you are fat, and stupid, and worthless. What the heck is wrong with you? Where is your self control??? Just THINK of what that food is doing to your body right now. You are dirty. Unworthy. Horrible. You should go throw up. You should take laxatives and get it OUT OF YOU." Then later, after I've berated myself, the voice starts to try and pump me up, come up with plans to manipulate and punish me for what I have done, "Tomorrow, you are not aloud to eat. Absolutely nothing. Just drink coffee, and make sure you work out." Sets me up for failure almost every time. One extreme to another.

Verse 8 says that God will love me no matter what I eat or how I eat it. I cannot, by manipulating my diet, make God like me more or less.

Now, to what in verse 7 says that not everyone knows- the truth I know now: "4So this is what I say about eating meat sacrificed to idols. We know that an idol is really nothing in the world, and we know there is only one God. 5Even though there are many things called gods, in heaven or on earth (and there are many 'gods and 'lords'), 6for us there is only one God--our Father. All things came from him, and we live for him. And there is only one Lord-- Jesus Christ. All things were made through him, and we also were made through him."

An idol is really NOTHING in the world. What matters is that there is only one God. So to let go of the diets and the compulsive eating and this obsession with food I have, I have to go to him and allow him to guide me in this life. I will not make him love me more or less by dieting successfully or unsuccessfully, but because he has made me, he can REmake me. He can remove these things from my life, if I let him show me the way. Only HE can restore the balance in my life I so desperately need.

Recently, he has removed those labels I've attached to certain foods as "evil". He's helped me to see that I can eat, and I'm STILL WORTHY. He has created a love and a longing in me for myself, my own spirit, that has me wanting to treat myself with kindness and gentleness. I want to nourish my body now, not only with good food, but with the word of God and with love for others as well.

Miracles are happening here.

Thankful For My Rock

I had a rough day Sunday in regards to making tough life decisions. To make a long story short, my fiance has been putting off getting married and won't set a date, and I'm tired of waiting around. God made it clear to me that it was time to put it to him black and white- either you wanna marry me and we start planning
how we're gonna do this, or I'm out. I'm not going to wait around anymore.

I'm so thankful for OA because I've learned that my disease has helped create a people-pleaser out of me. I don't stick up for myself, and then in turn, soothe myself with food. Now without the food, I'm feeling my discomfort, and taking action!!! I will no longer be the doormat that people wipe their shoes on. I will no longer try to over-achieve and base my happiness on anyone else's judgment but Gods! I will love myself, take care of my body, and no longer neglect my spirit.

That said, it has been a rough few days, and like many compulsive overeaters, I tend to isolate when times get tough--- including isolating myself from God. I have had a couple small binges the last two days, but I'm catching myself in my wavering today before I let it get insane again. I woke up and have taken on the day with vigor, thanks to God's strength. I came to him with my problems and admitted I had been dishonest with myself the past couple days and asked him to forgive me and take the lead just for today. Its amazing how slippery that slope is back into my disease!!! But with my support groups and God there is ALWAYS a rock or a rope to grab!