Thanksgiving

We had a nice Thanksgiving yesterday. It was nice to see my mom in a good mood and not stressed out. I've seen so much God has done for her and its really a blessing. I'm so thankful she moved here last year because she has grown so much! We had an intimate dinner, just my mom, my gramma, my fiancée, Isaac, and I. It was relaxing and Isaac had a lot of fun playing with gramma and chasing the dogs. He looks like we threw him down the stairs though LOL.

I'm so thankful for God's participation in my life. The biggest changes in me are not worrying, and finding love for ME. I'm thankful for our needs always being taken care of, and a nice home to live in. I'm thankful for a hard-working husband-to-be, and the bright light that is my son! I couldn't ask for more. My fiancée asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I had a really hard time thinking of something I really want. I already have everything I want! God has really contented my heart with what I have :) I told him I could use some new clothes, so I got to pick some stuff out from Old Navy today.

I read another blog today about the money we waste on things we don't need- things that end up in bags for donation that were never used. Its true, many of us waste so much money impulsively on things we don't need, or ever end up using. This past year, having a child and living on one income without the benefits of WIC, we have managed to do really well, and learn a lot about acting impulsively! I'm very happy with the progress we've made, and am very excited to see the changes we make in the next year. Most everything we have for Isaac were gifts or hand-me-downs, and being blessed that way, I have been able to give the clothes and toys he's outgrown to others in need. It takes a village, right? Its such a blessing to all be able to take care of each other this way! When we do our Christmas shopping this year, I will be buying things to make gifts (food, and knits), and we are only planning to get just a few new toys for Isaac- toys that will last, and that will be used for years (building blocks, cars).

Most of all, I'm thankful its been possible to stay home. I know that some judge stay-at-home mom's harshly, thinking they are lazy and only use their brains "for changing diapers", and in all honestly- this has never been something I ever thought I would do, but I am incredibly happy with this as my job. It is sometimes thankless, its definitely 24 hr, 7 days a week ON CALL, it can be exhausting and overwhelming at times, and other times can be boring and give me cabin-fever, but I've learned so much, and I have such a huge opportunity to really make a difference in Isaac's life by being sure to enrich it and work with him on new things. It can be tempting to sit on the computer or watch tv all day some days, but we have so much more fun if we get outside or read together, or learning a new healthy recipe to share with my family. Its definitely not a job for everyone, but surprisingly, I seem to do okay.

Its been a great year, and I look forward to the next one!

Answers

My small group left me to answer this question: Have there been things that have caused tension in your prayers?

At first I couldn't answer it. Its been a week and a half since I first pondered the question. I finally believe I have an answer though.

While I was still pregnant with Isaac, I decided I needed to take my prayer life more seriously, and got a notebook to start writing prayers and bible studies in. My parents considered themselves Christian, but never took us to church regularly, and didn't teach us to pray or read our bibles (actually I don't even think I got a bible until I was like 12 after I asked for one). I don't hold it against them or anything... but obviously, if you are taught those things from a young age, they come more naturally. Prayer has always been really hard for me to do. Its never been my go-to when a problem comes up or I'm stressed out about something. I saw I needed to change this in my life if I wanted to seek a closer relationship with God, hence the notebook.

Since we had spoken about prayer in my group, I decided to go back and read my prayers and requests and check off the ones that had been answered. As I read, I saw periods of time in my life where I was really being tried and praying every day. I remembered the tension I felt in those prayers... I remember thinking ever single day that TODAY would be the day it would be better, and it wasn't. Well, those prayers were answered, but it took a lot more time than I could have anticipated... And being able to look back and see this is truly a blessing. It encourages me to keep praying on those things that I'm praying for NOW, and gives me even more trust in God's plan for my life.

Every single time I come to an issue in my life that is hard, that I don't really want to deal with... that I want to find an answer to quickly and FIX, I start trying to put pegs in holes, ignoring the fact that they are not the right shape. Time has taught me this year to trust God more, and to step back, chill out, LISTEN, and obey. I learn over and over again that when I think I've got it down, I DON'T. Hahaha...

Thank you, Father, for being my parent. Thank you for teaching me to walk. The longer I live this life of a parent myself, I see more how You really are my Father. I love you. I pray you continue to guide me and show me new things, and enrich my life in ways not of this world. Thank you for this life of PLENTY! Oh how we all take for granted this amazing life we've been given! To live in a country where even the poorest of poor are better off than most in the world! Such a gift! Thank you for showing me how to share again, Lord... and to appreciate the life you've gifted me with. You are so generous. I pray that you touch the lives of my friends and family, and bless them with this knowledge. I pray I can live as an example that others will desire You through. I continue to lift my life up to You, Father, and obey your will. In the name of Jesus Christ, I pray, Amen.

Admitting you have done wrong, and saying sorry

There's a song by DC Talk that always plays on my pandora station that says:

What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behaviour
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Saviour

My body is still the body that lived without God for so long, this body is the same body that drank too much, did too many drugs- the same body that chose to take on everything on its own. God came into my life, I let Jesus in my heart- and He changed me so completely inside that I know I no longer need those things in my life; I no longer want them. My heart and soul are new- but my body remains the same, and I struggle constantly with its wants. "What's going on inside of me? I despise my own behaviour."

Its important to repent. Even with something you seem to keep doing over and over again. I get to a point where I am so twisted up inside because I'm doing things that my heart is begging me to stop and I try and distant myself from Jesus- I TRY AND DISTANCE MYSELF FROM MY OWN HEART. When we do the things our heart, our God, is begging us to stop, it starts to tear you in half inside- and if you don't repent- those tears just get bigger and more painful. I find myself, out of stubbornness and out of GUILT, holding onto these things, convincing myself "God knows I've done wrong- I don't have to tell HIM about it!" Well, don't give into that lie. If you can feel that twist and tear inside you, you know it needs to be dealt with.

I'm not sharing this lesson I learned this past weekend because I've got this down. This is a lesson I have had to learn several times, and I have no doubt I will have to learn it several more. There are many ways you can repent- ask God how he wants you to do it. Sometimes its just a prayer, sometimes he might ask you to fast, maybe even make you victim to the same sin you NEED to repent. I'm not going to tell you how- let Him.

Something come up in your mind while you were reading this? Don't delay- take care of that so you can free yourself and move on!

Encouragement

I was feeling pinned down and silenced yesterday. Issues floating around in our country that are so easily accepted were frightening me. I can't forget my faith in God.

Thanks, Katie, for sharing this psalm with me yesterday. Thank you God for your word! What a gift! Amen!

Psalm 91

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

Butternut Soup

Ok. I have never had butternut squash until I started making babyfood. My mom has a lot of dislikes when it comes to food, and squash is one of those. I feel betrayed I was robbed of eating this super healthy delicious food!! (not really, love you mom lol).

Anyway, found a very simple recipe for Butternut Soup in Parent's Magazine yesterday and decided to make it today.

Ingredients:
2 tbsp Butter
2 Shallots or 1 small onion, chopped
1.5 lbs butter nut squash, peeled and chunked
salt
pepper
6 cups water
1/2 cup cream, half and half, or milk
1 tbsp curry powder
2 tbsp cilantro

To Prepare:
Place butter in a deep stock pot over medium high heat. Add squash and onions and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Cook until the veggies start to soften, 5-8 minutes

Add the water and bring to a boil. Then lower the heat so the soup bubbles gently and cook, stirring occasionally, until slightly thickened and squash becomes fully tender, about 10-15 minutes.

Using an immersion blender (or, in my case a potato masher and whisk) puree the soup in the pan. You can also let it cool a bit and use a stand blender (I personally find that a huge hassle). Return to pan and add cream and curry powder, garnish with cilantro (not a fan of cilantro, so I skipped it).

According to the the magazine, its 267 calories; 9g protein; 22g carbs; 17g fat (11 sat); 3g fiber; 2g iron; 431g sodium. But it fails to mention what a serving is... I'm guessing probably 1 cup?

Anyway, its DELICIOUS. Isaac really liked it too!!

Support your Spouse

Sometimes its up to you to pump up someone's ego; to help show them the things about themselves they can't see. When someone in your life chooses to do something to improve their life, or improve their relationship with God- raise them up, praise them, and support them in this decision! Often we think of praising and supporting our kids' efforts, but what about our spouses? Don't forget to pump up your husband or wife- tell them they ARE awesome for doing the laundry, or for dealing with horrible people at their workplace. Applaud their accomplishments, and go out of your way to make self-improvement possible for them. If both of you can do this for each other, imagine the possibilities. Now go tell your spouse how wonderful they are, and be specific.

may this give you hope

Even though a lot of times questioning authority has got me into a lot of trouble, and caused many hardships for myself- I thank God for giving me the trait to need to try things out for myself, instead of just following what everyone else seems to be doing. Through my own trials- and my instinct to educate myself, I find myself very confident in my own actions and especially my faith.

I challenge everyone to test your own beliefs and what you think to be true by research. Do your own experiments, try new things, consider other possibilities. If you have a belief that's set in stone, it probably could use some testing.

A few months ago I had a discussion, it was actually more of an argument, where several people began testing my beliefs because I had called them out on their own ignorance. Unfortunately, being a Christian comes with a lot of labels and prejudices- one of them being close-minded. I was asked the same challenge I just asked of you. Anyone who truly knows me knows I am not close-minded and I question every thing and every person. Talk to my parents!

The more I ask questions about Christianity, about Jesus and his story- the more solid my faith becomes, and the more I believe I've made a very good decision putting my faith in Christ.

At one point in my life, these questions led me AWAY from God and away from Christianity. I asked questions, and no one had answers that satisfied me. These questions took me on an incredible journey, where I learned many painful lessons. I did things my own way and lived my life based on material wants and making myself feel good. My physical condition began to deteriorate- I gained a lot of weight, ate whatever tasted good to me- without thinking about what I was doing. I smoked, I drank, I did drugs, I had had relationships with people I admired for the wrong reasons. The more I did these things that temporarily made me feel good the more my life fell apart.

People started popping up in my life that were Christian. I thought they were naive. I thought they were hypocrites. I thought they were only happy because they believed feel-good lies. I bought into all the negative propaganda- that the bible isn't believable because its copies of copies of copies, that miracles could all be explained away with science, that religious experiences were merely for those who were mentally ill or caught up in some kind of mob mentality.

Though I thought these things of the nice Christian people I knew, I talked with them, I stayed open-minded... I didn't believe what they believed, and figured if they knew what I knew they would feel the same... they just weren't thinking outside the box. They just weren't intellectual like I was...

Conversations with one person started really getting me thinking about things. Finally I just considered the possibility that God was there, and that He could be in my every day life if I just TRIED it. I wrote a note of Facebook the day after it happened:

Yesterday, I found God again. Yeah, this is the weirdest thing by FAR to ever happen to me. I started thinking about all the reasons I refused Him, all the ways I tried to rationalize his nonexistence. And I couldn't come up with a good enough reason why I shouldn't believe and that I shouldn't allow Him back into my thoughts and everyday. As soon as I thought this it I heard Him. I felt Him. It was the most powerful thing I've ever felt in my life. I was overwhelmed with joy and shame but I felt companionship, I felt Him with me. I finally didn't feel alone. Everything that has happened to me all I've tried to control, I realized didn't even matter, because I had Him with me. That anytime I felt alone, or wanted advice or sought strength, that He would be here for me. All those things that seem to matter so much just don't. All the things I've been so SO upset about are gone. It is AWESOME. I feel like my life has finally fallen into place.

It was a powerful experience. I was alone in my apartment when what I know now was the Holy Spirit descended upon me. I wasn't mentally ill. I wasn't surrounded by a mob of people falling down chanting in tongues. I knew I wasn't stupid. The change in me was unreal. Those people who knew me before and know me now are seriously blessed to see the difference in me, as self-absorbed as that may sound. All it took was me to just open my mind to the idea that God is there and wants to be a part of my life- and BAM. He gave me visions of all the times I had talked to Him without realizing it, all the times he had been with me in my life helping me through things, all the times when I felt most alone He was THERE. The sense of comfort that came over me was wonderful.

Immediately my life started improving. I had a sense of self-confidence that had left me for years. An excitement for life returned to me. I started searching for ways to improve myself. I started paying attention to things, and not just doing things to feel good. I made it through many hardships after that without the pain and torment and depression I'd dealt with when I was trying to do it on my own. I didn't go to church for a long time. I knew God was there, but I wasn't so sure about this Jesus thing being true. I kept at my spirituality on my own a while, didn't dive into my bible much. I read into several religions, but most felt too mythical or confining- and just wrong. I kept going on like I was. The more I ran into Christianity, though, the more things just made sense.

When I started going to church I still wasn't sure about Jesus, but I felt like I was in the right place. I kept listening, and mulling things over. I looked things up and read many perspectives. It felt right. The church's pastor said things that just clicked, he said things that spoke to my heart. The more I read, the more I asked questions, the more I followed Jesus' way, the more my life started coming together.

I've never felt pushed into this. I've never ONCE felt deceived. Most surprising of all- I finally know what true spiritual FREEDOM is. When I was living without God, I was a prisoner of fear and worldly things. At the time I felt like I could do whatever I wanted and was free, but I was so trapped and horribly miserable. The more I WANT to walk in my life with Jesus, the more I TRY to, the more at peace I am in my heart.

Whatever you believe, I cannot change your mind or your heart- only you can. SET ASIDE, just for a moment, everything you know about Christians, any bad experience in church you've ever had, any pushy friend or family member who's jabbed you about this, SET ASIDE prejudices, and any fear you have of possibly changing your mind and being judged for it- I promise I won't tell anyone. Just think about what I've written here, and consider it. What IF everything I'm saying isn't just some fantasy or coincidence? What if something similar could happen for you? What if you could have even more peace in your heart than you already have? What if you could have strength to pull from outside of yourself? What do you think could change in your life? All you have to do is consider it. Ask God for a sign, ask Him to drop in on you- and search for that sign, listen to your heart- you may be surprised what happens. The more you search Him out, the more your life will change. I've seen it over and over in more lives around me than just my own.

Things I want to change

Well after I wrote my last blog I sat down and wrote a list of things in my life I wish I could change. These are things that deal with ME only- not my family or friends- because obviously I can't change them, and need to get over thinking I can!!! Not sure that can happen but I can dream lol


- say NO when I NEED TO SAY IT
- feel joy in my life
- have more self-worth
- have more self-control with food
- not avoid church functions
- trust people
- not to feel like a downer
- stop binging on food
- stop thinking about smoking cigarettes
- stop berating myself when I do something wrong
- stop agonizing over the past
- stop feeling angry and sorry for myself
- closer friendships
- to make art again- to have a place to make art
- save money
- have people actually want to be around me
- pray and read my bible more
- help people
- have a career
- exercise when I want to
- no debt
- finally lose the rest of the weight I need to lose


So there we have it. Its not a huge list. Most of the things on there can be accomplished. Some stuff on there is not possible at all. Some stuff on there is probably not true, but feels true in my brain.

Now I have to pick one and figure out how I can do it. Might as well start with the first one right? Plus having the ability to say no will definitely make the rest of those goals easier accomplished. Now how do you go about saying no?

With me, half the time I don't realize I'm even doing it. If I can think back to times where I have wanted to say no and haven't- the feeling I get when I think about actually saying it is GUILT. Why do I feel guilty? What happened in my life to make me feel guilty about saying no? Sometimes I also feel like someone won't like me if I say no. Why do I need people to like me? Why do I associate the two?

The rest of this is just random thoughts of my past- much of it is stuff I haven't shared with many people- but I'm just going to get it out and try and deal with it.

I'm sitting here trying to think about my childhood. I have journals that start when I was in 3rd grade. I could go back and read them, but I'm not sure I want to remember some of that. I'll work up to that...

I got made fun of in school from about 4th to 8th grade. We all got weighed by the school nurse every year in elementary, and in 4th grade I was the only girl in my class to go over 100 lbs. I was tall for my age... but I don't think I was actually overweight. But I remember how embarrassed I felt about that. That was one thing I got made fun of for often- my weight.

I got cussed out in front of my entire class when I was in 7th grade, the teacher was there and didn't stop the girl. It wasn't quiet either, she was standing behind me screaming at me only 4 seats away from the teachers desk, the whole room was dead silent while she did it. I sat there with my head down trying to hide my tears begging in my mind for the teacher to do something.

I got bullied by a lot of kids- walking down the hall- there were a few kids I absolutely dreaded being in the same room with. I remember one time I was in detention after school for getting caught chewing gum, and this boy Adam was in there. I hated him, he was horrible to me- I normally avoided him at all costs. The teacher that was in there was one of the only teachers I trusted at school, he had stuck up for me and my small group of friends several times. But he was called out of the room and this boy sat behind me and for about 20 minutes told me what a peice of crap I was, how fat and ugly I was, how my clothes and my fat rolls disgusted him- at this point I wasn't even FAT. I may have been 10 lbs overweight. It was ridiculous. He just hated me and knew how to hurt my feelings.

After my parents divorced I ate for comfort. I gained 100 lbs in probably less than a year. THAT was when I got fat.

I felt embarrassed a lot. I wanted to fade into the background. I wore gothic clothes so that most people would stay out of my way. I was mean and sarcastic most of the time to protect myself. I never wanted people to notice me. I didn't feel worthy of people's attention, and I didn't trust adults because every adult I'd ever known had hurt me in some way. I have never really ever felt attractive. I was never paid attention to by boys in high school. Really not much in college either. When I was paid attention to it was usually just for them to get some sexual gratification- I felt used and dirty. Again- unworthy of anything real.

My first sexual experience I guess you could call "date-rape". I got really drunk and was taken advantage of- but in a weird way I just wanted someone to think I was pretty enough to touch and pay attention to... I guess that is pretty sick, and it started a long trend of sexual encounters for me. A lot of times sex makes me feel manipulated and resurfaces all those memories of feeling dirty and used.

I am sure that a lot of this stuff is why I have trouble with my self-worth. My self-worth is my main issue for having a hard time saying no. Sadly enough I try to get people to like me by overdoing myself and giving my time when I don't really want to give it.

I'm going to work on saying no in situations that won't really hurt anybody's feelings- just slowly gain some strength there. I have definitely come a long way in the past for years, but my mind is like one of those houses you see on "Hoarders"- its full of garbage I have a very hard time letting go of. And it seems like every time I clean up one room I find a door to another room I have to go through.

I know God has plans for me- that I will be able to help people who struggle with the same things I do. I don't know exactly what he has in mind, but I do see myself helping others heal in the future, and through those experiences, finally being able to heal myself.

I recently joined a discipleship small group that was started by a few women I know, and I really feel its going to be a great place for me to be. I feel really good about it, and have a lot of hope and see that God is giving me an opportunity to make some close friends there. I believe many of us in the group have some healing to do- and will be able to help each other work through it.

I know I'm posting these things on a blog that is supposedly about learning to be a mom, lol, but I feel like having Isaac in my life has forced me to start to face these things- and healing in these areas of my life will only improve the life I can give to my son. I've been reading the Old Testament and over and over again you can see families passing sin and pain down through the generations. That can be stopped- but only if I try. If I can heal, I can at least make those problems less likely or not as severe in my children.

Mind-Clutter

It seems the more I think I've moved on from the bad in my life, the more comes to surface that I have to deal with. I have SOOOO much emotional clutter inside of me, and like many things in my life that I've had to finally face and deal with, its so overwhelming to me.

Many of us who are overweight look to those quick-fixes; diet pills, crazy work-out mechanisms, drinks, energy bars, and dvds... Those of you who have physical clutter- who have every shelf filled with knick knacks, old bottles, books you've never read- you look for quick-fixes too: storage bins, closet organizers, crates, shelves, those crazy bags you suck the air out of with a vacuum- anything to make that massive mountain of stuff in your home go away without really getting rid of it.

Well- if I've only learned one lesson in the past 4 years- its that there is no such thing as a quick fix.

I have lived a HARD life for a 25-year-old. I hate admitting that. When subjects of my past come up I try to down-play them as no big deal. I don't want recognition for it, because- YES I overcame a lot of things- but even with the lessons I've learned I have SO much pain and garbage in my head from it all- it may seem amazing to you- but to me its horrible and at times NOT FAIR.

I've been struggling in my relationship with my fiancé, and struggling with my weight again. Like any couple- we have our issues- he has stuff, just like anybody, that he has to work through too. Today was a breakthrough for me. We fought all morning, and he finally said a lot of things he's been holding back on- but because he finally said them it opened up my eyes to how my "mind-clutter" is causing me to lash out at the people I love. I am avoiding the pain it causes me daily and placing the blame for that pain on the wrong things.

I tend to get an idea in my head that something is going make it better- my "quick-fix" and go for it- at times its a pill, but most of the time its something someone- usually him- is doing that if he could just CHANGE it I'd be happy! FOR EXAMPLE: If he would JUST PUT HIS LAUNDRY IN THE HAMPER, I would be happy and I wouldn't feel like shit anymore!!! HA! It looks SO STUPID when I see it now written in front of me, but seriously I can turn that into a life or death situation.

He brought up so many things about myself I really didn't want to hear today. When put face-to-face with it all I just want to throw myself off a building. I keep thinking things like "WHY do I have to deal with this AGAIN?? I thought I did this already!!!" It seems there is just a lot of pain and brokenness buried within me I have ignored and distracted myself from for too long and finally my lovely little distractions aren't working anymore.

Finally I asked him what I should do. I feel at a complete loss. I gravitate towards self-help books, therapists, pills, websites like sparkpeople and flylady- but what he finally ended up saying was in all I really got to do this MY way and do it by me for me. Then, IMAGINE THIS, he told me exactly what God's been telling me to do for MONTHS but I keep avoiding.... sit down during Isaac's nap every day and just THINK. Think about all the things in your life, good and bad, and think about what you CAN control and what you CAN'T control. What do I WANT with my life? What are some goals I'd like to achieve? What can I change about myself to get there?

Pretty simple stuff- if you can actually get down to doing it. I need to do this. I need to stop PANICKING all the time. I need to stop blaming everyone else for why I feel like crap. I need to figure it out and just straighten it out.

So I'm going to pull out my journal, dust it off, grab an actual PEN and start jotting this stuff down.

Relationships can SUCK

SO and I have been going through a really hard time lately. We're trying to overcome some issues we've kind of pushed under the rug for the past year or so. The fighting makes me physically ill. Its so hard fighting all the time with someone you love and care about.

We're the kind of couple where people say "opposites attract"-- my strengths are his weaknesses and my weaknesses are his strengths. We work together in that way very well- when we are together I feel like we compliment each other well and make each other better people. But our differences are so much that we struggle understanding each other sometimes, we have a hard time relating or feeling empathy for each other because we have a really tough time understanding how the other thinks.

We became pregnant with Isaac after only 4 months of dating. It's been a really rough road... and sometimes I'm not sure we've stayed together because we actually want to be together- which is a very very hard thing to admit and makes me very sad.

SO has started making some huge changes in his behavior. He plays MMO's nearly 40 hours a week on top of working 45-50 hours at his job. He's "here" but he's not here at the same time. The past two weeks he has seriously cut back the amount of time spent playing games. Its been stressful for him because that's how he checks out and copes with his stress from work.

Now that he's spending more time with us, feelings we have not been able to express seem to be spilling out all over the place from both of us. It's been overwhelming and painful, but healing at the same time.

We started reading a premarital counseling book together last night, and I feel strongly that any couple planning to marry should, at the very least, do the same thing. It caused both of us to do a little soul searching, and be a little more open-minded to the other. I hope that we can attend premarital classes at our church- or something along those lines.

We decided that if we don't work out, we could at least stay together as friends for Isaac's sake... at I even suggested we just kind of start over at that point as well. He suggested I start looking for a job- that in any case, having a job would be beneficial right now in many ways, and I think I agree. We decided to pray on it a few days and I'm going to start checking craigslist for teaching positions at local daycares.

Today I have a lot of hope for us, and I know that everything will work out positively in the end- even if that means its the end of us. I still love him like crazy, I just think I've lost sight of what's important and have a lot of hurt feelings that I need to let go of and forgive him for- and he needs to do the same.

RELAX!

Isaac eating dinner


Like most new parents, I was really scared of everything when it came to Isaac. After seeing some of my friends who are "seasoned" parents with their kids, I saw how much anxiety I was creating for myself by worrying about every little rule out there in regards of child-rearing. I came to realize that raising a child is more about your "gut" than following all the rules in a guidebook. Now I'm not passing judgment on you moms and dads you follow all the rules- if that what puts you at ease- good for you! But for me, it did more harm than good!

Today I want to focus on Nutrition.

First of all- I am NOT an expert on nutrition! I just want to share my experience ;)

Isaac has been eating "solid food" (AKA pureed versions of what most adults don't eat - lol - fruits, veggies, and rice cereal) since he was about 3.5 months old. Some may say "WHAT! THAT IS TOO YOUNG!" I understand not all babies want food at 3.5 months old! At 3.5 months old Isaac already spent a lot of time in his high chair, and sat with us at dinner. He was eyeballing our food like- hmm that looks good. He sat up well with support. I figured giving him a spoonful of baby cereal and seeing how he did couldn't hurt. The first few tries he spit it out, but after he figured out how to suck it off the spoon and swallow it, he was ALL about it. "MMMMMM!" was usually how it went down. Don't be worried if your baby doesn't want to try solids until he is 6 months, 9 months, or ever over a year- Just remember its about listening to your own instincts, and paying attention to what your baby is ready for. Not all babies like rice cereal too, his pediatrician said bananas or avocados are also great first foods, so if cereal is getting rejected, try one of those!

He only ate about a tablespoon of rice cereal once a day at first. I took the advice of experts and only introduced 1 new food a week (they said every 3-4 days, but I just made it every Monday). By the time he was 6 months old he was eating solids twice a day, and had tried squash, zucchini, sweet potato, corn, green beans, peas, apples, peaches, raspberries, pears, baby rice cereal with a little apple juice or pear juice, and oatmeal.

A little while after his 6 month appointment, I let him start self feeding the rice puffs. They melt in your mouth really fast and are hard to choke on. Once he seemed to master those and start chewing a bit, I gave him cheerios, and then every night would give him a little of whatever we were eating. He sometimes coughed a little bit or had something go down the wrong tube- but he was learning to eat- in my opinion, that would be expected. Slowly he stopped wanting to be spoon fed and only wanted to self-feed. It was easy to tell when he didn't like something or was full, he would start playing with his food or spit it out.

Overall, I try to think the most natural way a baby would be raised without all the rules and regulations. I take what I learn about certain things into account, and I am cautious, but I also know that a lot of companies use fear tactics in regards to parents wanting to protect their children to sell their products, and one should keep that in mind when buying things at the grocery store. I have noticed that things designated "baby" are a lot of times exactly the same as their adult counterparts just much more expensive and in cuter containers.

I buy adult juice, I water it down usually 1 oz juice: 7 oz water. I have never bought the baby water to mix with formula. We pay for ice mountain to deliver for our water cooler- its clean, and its in a BPA- free 5 gallon REUSABLE jug. I give him adult apple sauce and yogurt- I get natural applesauce- without added sugar, and I do buy nonfat yogurt.

Isaac is now 10.5 months old. He has been weened onto 2% Cow's milk. We tried vitamin D and it was too much, he really doesn't need full fat anyway- even nonfat milk has the same amount of vitamins and minerals as whole milk- and if you check the ingredients of your regular formula- its made with nonfat milk. We weened him "early" because I saw at this point he only drinks maybe 18-20 oz of formula, and is getting most of his nutrition from food, not milk. We either buy organic milk, or milk that has not come from cows who have had the extra hormones and junk (if you are not sure, ask your retailer or email the store's president).

I posted this to share my experiences and to help others. I'm not saying that all babies are fed this way- but for you to trust your instincts over the advice of anyone! If you don't know- research and go with what feels BEST for you and your child. You know- trust yourself!

I've was really down on myself yesterday. I just seem to love doing the "why me" when it comes to my emotional eating. I find myself wishing I was addicted to something else other than food... food addictions are so VISUAL. I ended up on my elliptical last night for 15 minutes before I took a shower and went to bed, and I took out all my frustration on myself that way.

I made a vow to start planning our dinners again- so that we save money by not ordering in, and I can save myself from the torment of weight gain. I have to remember- the pleasure from fatty foods only lasts minutes- its negative effects take weeks and sometimes months to wear off- and the money could be well spent on something MUCH more worthwhile: our wedding, a vacation, a trip to the zoo, a trip to Cosi... Things that will give us wonderful memories with our family, and not sit on our hips!

So far this week I've stuck to the plan, but we are also too broke to order in. I need to make sure when planning our meals, that at least 3 out of 7 of them are simple to make and won't make me feel like "oh jeez, now its time to cook dinner- what a drag."

I'm pretty happy that we've only been spending about $100 a week on groceries, and that will go down significantly once Isaac is off formula. If we stop ordering in, that will probably save us another $40-60 a week (isn't that ridiculous?).

Once I get off the computer I'm going back on my elliptical for a minimum 10 minute workout. That will put me at 4 days in a row tracking calories and working out at least 10 minutes (it is usually more than 10 but its nice to know I can stop after 10). I did this in the late winter, and lost all the weight I gained with my pregnancy (30 lbs). So I know it works, and I know it really helps me feel good and stay on top of things.

I've been reading my bible LIKE CRAZY lately. I've been using it as a way to keep from getting on the computer and snacking too much (what a positive way to do that, right?). In the past 2 weeks I've read both 1-2Samuel, and I'm about half way through Kings. I read something today about King Soloman that just blew me away. The Lord came to him in a dream after he'd made 1000 sacrifices and asked him what he wanted. I wondered what I would I would say if God asked me that, knowing he would give it to me... I could think of a hundred selfish things, but read on because I really wanted to know what Soloman would say. He asked for an obedient heart. (this is going to bring me to tears lol). Out of everything he could ask for and have- he asks for an obedient heart, so that he can know and do what the Lord asks him to do, so that he can be wise and know what is right and what is wrong. I realized today that I ask for that in my prayers a lot. God speaks to me and tells me what I need to do to change and to be happier, but I often find myself ignoring Him and doing it my way- and stay miserable. I WANT to do the things he asks me to do! I know that I will ENJOY doing them! But for some crazy reason I find myself sitting on the couch watching TV or on Facebook wasting time... I just can't give up.

It's hard to break habits, but even with distractions and getting led off course from time to time- if I remain in pursuit and going the right direction, I will reach my goal. It's patience that is hard to come by sometimes.

I want to make a "Vision Poster". I've made one before- but I have a different vision I'd like to represent now. The idea comes from the SparkDiet on sparkpeople.com. You make a poster that has representations of what you want and where you want to be in your life, and when you find yourself drifting away from those things, a glance at your poster helps put you back on track. So I suppose that will be my main goal for September- to make a vision poster.

Glad I wrote this today, I'm feeling much better than I was last night! Now: off to the elliptical!

Tracking on sparkpeople.com has gone well the past few days. I haven't been within my calorie range, but that isn't my goal for now... just trying to get into the habit of tracking again. I definitely think being aware of my calorie intake is making a big difference on what is going into my body.

Our ac has been running ALL DAY today and its still 85 degrees in here. I swear our apartment is designed to waste energy... the sun beats down on it and into the windows over half the day and the ac cannot keep up. Looking forward to cooler weather...

I was looking through Better Homes and Gardens today and feeling inspired. I love some of the colors that are popular right now- coffee colors, tomato reds, and turquoise. I feel like buying some paint and painting our table and getting a slip cover for the sofa :D If only I knew how to sew I'd make our own. I'd love to reupholster our chairs too :) My gramma and momma know how to do that stuff, maybe I can get some help if I can find some fabric I like. I have this beautiful lamp in my living room that I'd like to design the room around- Maybe I can put a mosaic on top our table- that would be pretty sweet. The dollar store has ceramic plates I could bust up for that. I'm sure big lots would be a great place to look for things too.

Look at the colors outside our window right now! I can't get over how green the pond looks- its beautiful, almost an emerald color.

Week Reflection

Well, even with Isaac sick and not babysitting (leaving us $100 shorter than normal) this week has gone pretty well. Isaac seems to be better, but I'm wondering if he has fluid in one of his ears, he has been a little crabby today and has been tugging on his right ear a little (though he does that anyway, so its hard to tell). I look forward to him being able to TELL me whats wrong!

Dear Fiancee and I had some really good talks this week, and both said we feel we are getting along better. He is feeling better about his job, and his better attitude about it has trickled down to our time together too. We both seem to be just enjoying our time as a family and cherishing the little things. The wedding we went to last weekend really got us both in the excitement of having our own.

I'm looking forward to the fall. The leaves are already starting to turn and the weather has finally cooled a bit. I love the fall- I wish I lived somewhere it was fall all year.

My Slim Fast diet is going the way I figured it would, pretty badly. I have been snacking still, and the past two days couldn't have a shake for lunch because of all the "snacks" I had. I made it outside a few times for a walk and did get on my eliptical once, so it wasn't a total loss. I definitely can say I did much better this week than the week before, and am happy with that. I will aim for doing better next week than this week. Today I am starting to track my calories on sparkpeople.com again. I've tried to get back into the habit of doing that a few times this summer without success. But I am going to try again this week. If I have tracked at minimum 3 days by next Friday, I will feel content with my progress there. I gotta remember to take things slow. Just because I used to track everyday doesn't mean I can just pick up where I left off!! It won't work that way and will find myself saying the F-word: FAILURE.

I am hoping we can get out and maybe take Isaac to the beach this weekend, because I think it's probably the last week we'd be able to with the weather getting colder now. I'm excited to see how much fun he has!

Poor Sick Babies!

Pertussis AKA Whooping Cough.

The little girl I babysit tested positive yesterday, and Isaac has had a cold the past week- and now I'm freaked he might have it too. They both were vaccinated for it, so I guess that's not a 100% guarantee against it!

Ahh one of the hardest things about being a mother is seeing your child suffer AND the guilt that comes along with it that they're suffering is somehow MY fault. I took him outside yesterday and let him just go nuts on the tennis court... he seemed to be feeling better, and was dressed well for the weather. Even though that probably has nothing to do with why I've been listening to him cough for the past half hour in his crib while napping, my mombrain still tries to make that the reason for why he seems worse today.

I really need to get more sleep at night. Even though I say it nearly every day and don't do it - I AM GOING TO BED EARLY TONIGHT! I'm so exhausted. I drank my breakfast and was craving salt and carbs, so I busted out a Jeno's pizza and ate a couple pieces. I'm going to give some to Isaac for lunch.

I'm going to make this: http://crockpot365.blogspot.com/2010/08/slow-cooker-mulligatawny-soup-recipe.html for dinner tonight. Isaac and I are going to walk over to Anderson's and pick up some fresh lemons and curry powder.

I just gotta find something to keep my occupied so I don't go crazy! Going to go bleach toys now LOL!

Hot Mama

Isaac playing on the tennis court today

I bought Slim Fast yesterday. I have tried to do the drink my meals thing before and failed, and I've lost over 100lbs doing it the right way, but at this point I just don't care what I have for lunch or breakfast, as long as it has good stuff in it and fills me up, which so far this miracle drink seems to do. I cook super nutritious meals for Isaac, but use whole milk and whole grain baby cereal- both high in calories and fat- good for Isaac, not so good for me... so I'm not really interested in eating it myself (even thought its delicious!).

Why do I have this obsession with weight? Its not really about looking hot or something- its more about being healthy so I can stick around longer and have less complications in my life. But I've been eating so horribly the past few weeks I've put on about 4 lbs and I feel like crap. Being healthy feels so much better than food tastes- I keep trying to remind myself. I'm an emotional eater, and when I'm stressed I turn to food to make me feel better (even though I end up feeling worse afterward because of guilt- and indigestion).

Anyway, tomorrow is my mom's birthday. I don't know how old she'll be- like 53 or something. I'm trying to figure out what I should do for her... Maybe get her a mountain dew bring her grandchild over to visit.

I've spent enough time online today, I'm going to finish my red bull and take Isaac for a walk before it gets too hot.

10 months

It has been 10 months since Isaac decided to burst into my world. Every day I see more and more of the individual he is becoming. He is much less a baby now, and becoming a toddler.

In my pre-Isaac life, I never imagined myself with kids. It's been a really tough transition losing that freedom to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to. When I could make a decision to do something and not have to worry how it would affect him. Being a mother changes a woman so completely. I've lost the ability to sleep when I want to, to go out with friends at the last minute, to spend hours reading or making art, not to mention the anxiety and guilt that seems to come out of no where.. I remember thinking how much it had to completely suck having kids. Seeing the few of my friends who had them basically drop out of existence.

Now that I'm here, experiencing it for myself, I see it's not about your life ending, its about turning the page and starting the next chapter. Yes, I now spend a lot of my time talking about poop and diaper brands, pediatricians and vegetables, instead of philosophy, politics, bars, and art-- but its all worth it. I am shaping a member of the next generation, I have been blessed with the opportunity to give a child a good life- and its my goal to do my very best at that. Something one cannot possibly understand until they hold their very own child in their arms and look into the profound mystery of their eyes.

It's an amazingly exciting and terrifying moment.

In the past 10 months I've asked God on several occasions: Why in the world did you trust ME to care for this human being??? I've had to come to the terms- and overcome my perfectionism- to accepting that, yes, I'm probably going to screw this kid up. All parents screw their kids up in one way or another, and I have to accept that, yes, I probably will too. It's an inevitability. But I'm not going down without a fight.

I'm taking it one day at a time, and just enjoying my son. Getting to watch him experience new things is such a blessing. His first time in the pool, hearing an airplane, touching a dog, seeing a bird, hearing the rain- they are all things we all take for granted that through Isaac I get to experience for the first time again.