Tracking on sparkpeople.com has gone well the past few days. I haven't been within my calorie range, but that isn't my goal for now... just trying to get into the habit of tracking again. I definitely think being aware of my calorie intake is making a big difference on what is going into my body.

Our ac has been running ALL DAY today and its still 85 degrees in here. I swear our apartment is designed to waste energy... the sun beats down on it and into the windows over half the day and the ac cannot keep up. Looking forward to cooler weather...

I was looking through Better Homes and Gardens today and feeling inspired. I love some of the colors that are popular right now- coffee colors, tomato reds, and turquoise. I feel like buying some paint and painting our table and getting a slip cover for the sofa :D If only I knew how to sew I'd make our own. I'd love to reupholster our chairs too :) My gramma and momma know how to do that stuff, maybe I can get some help if I can find some fabric I like. I have this beautiful lamp in my living room that I'd like to design the room around- Maybe I can put a mosaic on top our table- that would be pretty sweet. The dollar store has ceramic plates I could bust up for that. I'm sure big lots would be a great place to look for things too.

Look at the colors outside our window right now! I can't get over how green the pond looks- its beautiful, almost an emerald color.

Week Reflection

Well, even with Isaac sick and not babysitting (leaving us $100 shorter than normal) this week has gone pretty well. Isaac seems to be better, but I'm wondering if he has fluid in one of his ears, he has been a little crabby today and has been tugging on his right ear a little (though he does that anyway, so its hard to tell). I look forward to him being able to TELL me whats wrong!

Dear Fiancee and I had some really good talks this week, and both said we feel we are getting along better. He is feeling better about his job, and his better attitude about it has trickled down to our time together too. We both seem to be just enjoying our time as a family and cherishing the little things. The wedding we went to last weekend really got us both in the excitement of having our own.

I'm looking forward to the fall. The leaves are already starting to turn and the weather has finally cooled a bit. I love the fall- I wish I lived somewhere it was fall all year.

My Slim Fast diet is going the way I figured it would, pretty badly. I have been snacking still, and the past two days couldn't have a shake for lunch because of all the "snacks" I had. I made it outside a few times for a walk and did get on my eliptical once, so it wasn't a total loss. I definitely can say I did much better this week than the week before, and am happy with that. I will aim for doing better next week than this week. Today I am starting to track my calories on sparkpeople.com again. I've tried to get back into the habit of doing that a few times this summer without success. But I am going to try again this week. If I have tracked at minimum 3 days by next Friday, I will feel content with my progress there. I gotta remember to take things slow. Just because I used to track everyday doesn't mean I can just pick up where I left off!! It won't work that way and will find myself saying the F-word: FAILURE.

I am hoping we can get out and maybe take Isaac to the beach this weekend, because I think it's probably the last week we'd be able to with the weather getting colder now. I'm excited to see how much fun he has!

Poor Sick Babies!

Pertussis AKA Whooping Cough.

The little girl I babysit tested positive yesterday, and Isaac has had a cold the past week- and now I'm freaked he might have it too. They both were vaccinated for it, so I guess that's not a 100% guarantee against it!

Ahh one of the hardest things about being a mother is seeing your child suffer AND the guilt that comes along with it that they're suffering is somehow MY fault. I took him outside yesterday and let him just go nuts on the tennis court... he seemed to be feeling better, and was dressed well for the weather. Even though that probably has nothing to do with why I've been listening to him cough for the past half hour in his crib while napping, my mombrain still tries to make that the reason for why he seems worse today.

I really need to get more sleep at night. Even though I say it nearly every day and don't do it - I AM GOING TO BED EARLY TONIGHT! I'm so exhausted. I drank my breakfast and was craving salt and carbs, so I busted out a Jeno's pizza and ate a couple pieces. I'm going to give some to Isaac for lunch.

I'm going to make this: http://crockpot365.blogspot.com/2010/08/slow-cooker-mulligatawny-soup-recipe.html for dinner tonight. Isaac and I are going to walk over to Anderson's and pick up some fresh lemons and curry powder.

I just gotta find something to keep my occupied so I don't go crazy! Going to go bleach toys now LOL!

Hot Mama

Isaac playing on the tennis court today

I bought Slim Fast yesterday. I have tried to do the drink my meals thing before and failed, and I've lost over 100lbs doing it the right way, but at this point I just don't care what I have for lunch or breakfast, as long as it has good stuff in it and fills me up, which so far this miracle drink seems to do. I cook super nutritious meals for Isaac, but use whole milk and whole grain baby cereal- both high in calories and fat- good for Isaac, not so good for me... so I'm not really interested in eating it myself (even thought its delicious!).

Why do I have this obsession with weight? Its not really about looking hot or something- its more about being healthy so I can stick around longer and have less complications in my life. But I've been eating so horribly the past few weeks I've put on about 4 lbs and I feel like crap. Being healthy feels so much better than food tastes- I keep trying to remind myself. I'm an emotional eater, and when I'm stressed I turn to food to make me feel better (even though I end up feeling worse afterward because of guilt- and indigestion).

Anyway, tomorrow is my mom's birthday. I don't know how old she'll be- like 53 or something. I'm trying to figure out what I should do for her... Maybe get her a mountain dew bring her grandchild over to visit.

I've spent enough time online today, I'm going to finish my red bull and take Isaac for a walk before it gets too hot.

10 months

It has been 10 months since Isaac decided to burst into my world. Every day I see more and more of the individual he is becoming. He is much less a baby now, and becoming a toddler.

In my pre-Isaac life, I never imagined myself with kids. It's been a really tough transition losing that freedom to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to. When I could make a decision to do something and not have to worry how it would affect him. Being a mother changes a woman so completely. I've lost the ability to sleep when I want to, to go out with friends at the last minute, to spend hours reading or making art, not to mention the anxiety and guilt that seems to come out of no where.. I remember thinking how much it had to completely suck having kids. Seeing the few of my friends who had them basically drop out of existence.

Now that I'm here, experiencing it for myself, I see it's not about your life ending, its about turning the page and starting the next chapter. Yes, I now spend a lot of my time talking about poop and diaper brands, pediatricians and vegetables, instead of philosophy, politics, bars, and art-- but its all worth it. I am shaping a member of the next generation, I have been blessed with the opportunity to give a child a good life- and its my goal to do my very best at that. Something one cannot possibly understand until they hold their very own child in their arms and look into the profound mystery of their eyes.

It's an amazingly exciting and terrifying moment.

In the past 10 months I've asked God on several occasions: Why in the world did you trust ME to care for this human being??? I've had to come to the terms- and overcome my perfectionism- to accepting that, yes, I'm probably going to screw this kid up. All parents screw their kids up in one way or another, and I have to accept that, yes, I probably will too. It's an inevitability. But I'm not going down without a fight.

I'm taking it one day at a time, and just enjoying my son. Getting to watch him experience new things is such a blessing. His first time in the pool, hearing an airplane, touching a dog, seeing a bird, hearing the rain- they are all things we all take for granted that through Isaac I get to experience for the first time again.