Many of us who are overweight look to those quick-fixes; diet pills, crazy work-out mechanisms, drinks, energy bars, and dvds... Those of you who have physical clutter- who have every shelf filled with knick knacks, old bottles, books you've never read- you look for quick-fixes too: storage bins, closet organizers, crates, shelves, those crazy bags you suck the air out of with a vacuum- anything to make that massive mountain of stuff in your home go away without really getting rid of it.
Well- if I've only learned one lesson in the past 4 years- its that there is no such thing as a quick fix.
I have lived a HARD life for a 25-year-old. I hate admitting that. When subjects of my past come up I try to down-play them as no big deal. I don't want recognition for it, because- YES I overcame a lot of things- but even with the lessons I've learned I have SO much pain and garbage in my head from it all- it may seem amazing to you- but to me its horrible and at times NOT FAIR.
I've been struggling in my relationship with my fiancé, and struggling with my weight again. Like any couple- we have our issues- he has stuff, just like anybody, that he has to work through too. Today was a breakthrough for me. We fought all morning, and he finally said a lot of things he's been holding back on- but because he finally said them it opened up my eyes to how my "mind-clutter" is causing me to lash out at the people I love. I am avoiding the pain it causes me daily and placing the blame for that pain on the wrong things.
I tend to get an idea in my head that something is going make it better- my "quick-fix" and go for it- at times its a pill, but most of the time its something someone- usually him- is doing that if he could just CHANGE it I'd be happy! FOR EXAMPLE: If he would JUST PUT HIS LAUNDRY IN THE HAMPER, I would be happy and I wouldn't feel like shit anymore!!! HA! It looks SO STUPID when I see it now written in front of me, but seriously I can turn that into a life or death situation.
He brought up so many things about myself I really didn't want to hear today. When put face-to-face with it all I just want to throw myself off a building. I keep thinking things like "WHY do I have to deal with this AGAIN?? I thought I did this already!!!" It seems there is just a lot of pain and brokenness buried within me I have ignored and distracted myself from for too long and finally my lovely little distractions aren't working anymore.
Finally I asked him what I should do. I feel at a complete loss. I gravitate towards self-help books, therapists, pills, websites like sparkpeople and flylady- but what he finally ended up saying was in all I really got to do this MY way and do it by me for me. Then, IMAGINE THIS, he told me exactly what God's been telling me to do for MONTHS but I keep avoiding.... sit down during Isaac's nap every day and just THINK. Think about all the things in your life, good and bad, and think about what you CAN control and what you CAN'T control. What do I WANT with my life? What are some goals I'd like to achieve? What can I change about myself to get there?
Pretty simple stuff- if you can actually get down to doing it. I need to do this. I need to stop PANICKING all the time. I need to stop blaming everyone else for why I feel like crap. I need to figure it out and just straighten it out.
So I'm going to pull out my journal, dust it off, grab an actual PEN and start jotting this stuff down.
Funny because I was going to suggest doing just that :P Writing is so cathartic because you force yourself to REALLY think about what it is you're trying to say. You can't just blurt it out. I hope this really helps you :)
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