Things I want to change

Well after I wrote my last blog I sat down and wrote a list of things in my life I wish I could change. These are things that deal with ME only- not my family or friends- because obviously I can't change them, and need to get over thinking I can!!! Not sure that can happen but I can dream lol


- say NO when I NEED TO SAY IT
- feel joy in my life
- have more self-worth
- have more self-control with food
- not avoid church functions
- trust people
- not to feel like a downer
- stop binging on food
- stop thinking about smoking cigarettes
- stop berating myself when I do something wrong
- stop agonizing over the past
- stop feeling angry and sorry for myself
- closer friendships
- to make art again- to have a place to make art
- save money
- have people actually want to be around me
- pray and read my bible more
- help people
- have a career
- exercise when I want to
- no debt
- finally lose the rest of the weight I need to lose


So there we have it. Its not a huge list. Most of the things on there can be accomplished. Some stuff on there is not possible at all. Some stuff on there is probably not true, but feels true in my brain.

Now I have to pick one and figure out how I can do it. Might as well start with the first one right? Plus having the ability to say no will definitely make the rest of those goals easier accomplished. Now how do you go about saying no?

With me, half the time I don't realize I'm even doing it. If I can think back to times where I have wanted to say no and haven't- the feeling I get when I think about actually saying it is GUILT. Why do I feel guilty? What happened in my life to make me feel guilty about saying no? Sometimes I also feel like someone won't like me if I say no. Why do I need people to like me? Why do I associate the two?

The rest of this is just random thoughts of my past- much of it is stuff I haven't shared with many people- but I'm just going to get it out and try and deal with it.

I'm sitting here trying to think about my childhood. I have journals that start when I was in 3rd grade. I could go back and read them, but I'm not sure I want to remember some of that. I'll work up to that...

I got made fun of in school from about 4th to 8th grade. We all got weighed by the school nurse every year in elementary, and in 4th grade I was the only girl in my class to go over 100 lbs. I was tall for my age... but I don't think I was actually overweight. But I remember how embarrassed I felt about that. That was one thing I got made fun of for often- my weight.

I got cussed out in front of my entire class when I was in 7th grade, the teacher was there and didn't stop the girl. It wasn't quiet either, she was standing behind me screaming at me only 4 seats away from the teachers desk, the whole room was dead silent while she did it. I sat there with my head down trying to hide my tears begging in my mind for the teacher to do something.

I got bullied by a lot of kids- walking down the hall- there were a few kids I absolutely dreaded being in the same room with. I remember one time I was in detention after school for getting caught chewing gum, and this boy Adam was in there. I hated him, he was horrible to me- I normally avoided him at all costs. The teacher that was in there was one of the only teachers I trusted at school, he had stuck up for me and my small group of friends several times. But he was called out of the room and this boy sat behind me and for about 20 minutes told me what a peice of crap I was, how fat and ugly I was, how my clothes and my fat rolls disgusted him- at this point I wasn't even FAT. I may have been 10 lbs overweight. It was ridiculous. He just hated me and knew how to hurt my feelings.

After my parents divorced I ate for comfort. I gained 100 lbs in probably less than a year. THAT was when I got fat.

I felt embarrassed a lot. I wanted to fade into the background. I wore gothic clothes so that most people would stay out of my way. I was mean and sarcastic most of the time to protect myself. I never wanted people to notice me. I didn't feel worthy of people's attention, and I didn't trust adults because every adult I'd ever known had hurt me in some way. I have never really ever felt attractive. I was never paid attention to by boys in high school. Really not much in college either. When I was paid attention to it was usually just for them to get some sexual gratification- I felt used and dirty. Again- unworthy of anything real.

My first sexual experience I guess you could call "date-rape". I got really drunk and was taken advantage of- but in a weird way I just wanted someone to think I was pretty enough to touch and pay attention to... I guess that is pretty sick, and it started a long trend of sexual encounters for me. A lot of times sex makes me feel manipulated and resurfaces all those memories of feeling dirty and used.

I am sure that a lot of this stuff is why I have trouble with my self-worth. My self-worth is my main issue for having a hard time saying no. Sadly enough I try to get people to like me by overdoing myself and giving my time when I don't really want to give it.

I'm going to work on saying no in situations that won't really hurt anybody's feelings- just slowly gain some strength there. I have definitely come a long way in the past for years, but my mind is like one of those houses you see on "Hoarders"- its full of garbage I have a very hard time letting go of. And it seems like every time I clean up one room I find a door to another room I have to go through.

I know God has plans for me- that I will be able to help people who struggle with the same things I do. I don't know exactly what he has in mind, but I do see myself helping others heal in the future, and through those experiences, finally being able to heal myself.

I recently joined a discipleship small group that was started by a few women I know, and I really feel its going to be a great place for me to be. I feel really good about it, and have a lot of hope and see that God is giving me an opportunity to make some close friends there. I believe many of us in the group have some healing to do- and will be able to help each other work through it.

I know I'm posting these things on a blog that is supposedly about learning to be a mom, lol, but I feel like having Isaac in my life has forced me to start to face these things- and healing in these areas of my life will only improve the life I can give to my son. I've been reading the Old Testament and over and over again you can see families passing sin and pain down through the generations. That can be stopped- but only if I try. If I can heal, I can at least make those problems less likely or not as severe in my children.