Coming to Terms with Me

When I was younger my mom would get all hyped up and get these ideas about how she was going to change her life and I'd find out she had been watching Oprah again... Well- this post is about some realizations I've come to drawn out by none other than the woman my mother always admired, Oprah. At least an article from Oprah.com, by Martha Beck. Read it here.

The article is about burn out. I can think of two distinct times in my life where I burnt out. There have possibly been more, but these are the times that stand out. The beginning of my junior year in college, and about 4 months after my son was born. Today I'm just going to focus on the second one.

When I found out I was pregnant with my son it put a huge road block in my plans. My boyfriend (now husband) and I talked about it for a few months and decided it would be best I stayed home with the baby after he was born. I thought "great! I'll be able to just focus on me and my family." And I counted down the days to my due date, not only because I'd get to meet this human that had taken over my body, but because I'd get to leave the horrible job I was working. I gained 50 lbs with the pregnancy and lost about 25 shortly after birth. I started working out and lost all the weight I had gained, I found a small group through my church, I got baptized, I read every single thing about being a great mom... and I did it all very well.

I slammed into a wall about 4 months later... months of dealing with a colicky baby, working out and eating 'perfectly', trying to become this perfect Christian girl that I was not, trying to be this perfect mother I was never shown how to be, I just broke. I stopped caring. I couldn't care. I wanted to care but I couldn't. I felt suicidal and crazy. I was mean. I felt like I was the only one who cared about making things in our lives right and was tired. I felt like I was fighting a battle in a war completely on my own.

I thought, 'how can I be depressed? everything has been so great. my boyfriend completely supports me, he loves me, he's a great dad... i rarely have to worry about money, my mom lives nearby for the first time in years, my relationship with my dad is better than it has been in years, I've found God, I'm saved..... what is wrong?' I thought maybe it was a chemical imbalance, or just postpartum depression. But it continued for another year, even while taking antidepressants.

I tried 12 step groups, getting more involved in church, getting less involved with church, spending less time on the internet, trying to find a job, getting married, bible studies, workbooks, books... And the biggest thing I've learned is that I gotta be me and I gotta love myself. I have to listen to my own compass and let it direct me and tell me when things are wrong. But most of all, TO STOP TRYING TO BE PERFECT. I can't be something I am not.

The biggest thing I miss after my son came into my life and started this whirlwind is myself. I had spent years developing this person I was, and somehow lost her to motherhood completely by accident. Every day I can't help feeling I was meant for more than this.

So I have to stand up for myself and give me what me needs. Its been a long hard process, but I'm getting there. Relearning to love myself. To take care of myself like I'd take care of my own son. To be gently firm. If my needs aren't met then I'm useless and unhappy. I gotta stop being so uptight so I can enjoy this life.

After reading that article I can see that I was burnt out. A human being can only do so much with their own willpower through so much before they break down, its important we listen to our bodies and feed it what it needs (and no, I don't mean coffee and drugs!). If you feel tired, find the time to sleep. If you can't find it, make it. If feel like you want to start working out, do it, but stop when your body tells you to. If you want to go to the bakery and buy a dozen donuts to eat by yourself, figure out how your feeling and why- then do something about it, don't cover things up with food- it won't do anything but make you fat and feel worse. Just don't give up.

I am sick of feeling bored and lazy. I am determined to love and live my life.

Judgment

Everyone judges everyone else. Its just a fact of life. Letting that judgement get in your way of love and compassion is another story. One I will not get into today.

Today I want to talk about one of my big 'ah-ha' moments this year. I've realized that the judgments I make on others are almost always judgments I've made about myself. Also- the paranoid thinking: "She talks to me that way because she thinks I'm crazy." "She didn't trust me with her kids because she thinks I'm irresponsible." "I was interrupted in that conversation because what I have to say is boring."- These are also judgments I've made on myself, that I use- or this OCD Perfectionist insanity disease uses- to excuse myself from being around people. These thoughts hurt me severely. The pierce through me and cause utter hopelessness. They zap any self-worth I may be holding onto out of me. And whats saddest about it is that I really believe this 'voice'. I believe that the people who care about me, the people who want to know me, my friends, my family, think these horrible things about me secretly. Now- maybe they do- but most likely they don't.

Victimism. I'm so used to being victimized that I generally gravitate to thoughts like these. That way I'm always being hurt, and not the one doing the hurting. That way isolating myself and avoiding LIFE is tolerated because I'm only protecting myself. That way I never have to face the things I do wrong and can scare people away from criticizing me or from trying to help me.

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being this whiny kid. I'm pissed. I've come a long way over the years when it comes to this kind of behavior, but it STILL CRIPPLES MY LIFE. I am so afraid of everything. I really wish it was just a matter of deciding to quit being that way and it happening, but a lifetime bad habits takes a long time to reform.

For today, I rely on positive affirmations and 'I CAN' statements. If I find myself saying I can't do something I try to stop myself and say I CAN. Or I think about it and decide if its something I just don't WANT to do- that helps me face reality a little easier.

*Photo Credit to David Beck-Brown

Erase, Back up, Rewind!!!!

I have people that have been in my life that I wish I could just take a big fat eraser to my brain and erase all contact I ever had with them, and any events that happened that are now painful memories.

I have a tough time letting stuff go. Its when someone does something so nasty, for no seemingly good reason, that keeps me holding on... something that just doesn't make sense, and no matter how I try to wrap my brain around it I cannot figure out what could possibly have got them to act that way. And what REALLY keeps me holding on is when I confront someone about my feelings about it they refuse to apologize. How hard is it to forgive someone who won't apologize??? HOW HARD IS IT TO APOLOGIZE WHEN YOU SINCERELY HURT SOMEONE ???? Even if you didn't mean to, even if you think you're right and they shouldn't be hurt, if they feel hurt, they feel hurt!

I pray to God, every time that fire sparks in my heart and those memories set me ablaze, and allow him to wash his cool love over me, and almost always somehow SOMEHOW I find out something new about person that sets it all off again.

So what do I do?? I keep praying. I keep forgiving. I keep asking God to get this smoldering hearth of coals out of my chest so I can hear this person's name without burning up about it all over again. And every time I take it back, I give it back to Him again. I have to, because staying mad at someone for something that hurt me does absolutely nothing to them, it only hurts me.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you , not seven times, but seventy-seven times." Matthew 18:21-22

The Tight Rope Walk

I have found that the main emotion I experience since I've started OA and begun to realize and remove my negative coping skills is anxiety. My days are filled with having to deal with anxiety and anxiety attacks. I admit, I still do not cope with it in a positive way every time, but when I start feeling the urge to eat, and am aware of that anxiety, its a red flag to figure out whats going on and to ask God to help me deal with it properly. I've learned that when I feel and own my anxiety, and wait it out, it goes away. I have also realized very recently that I have mistaken anxiety for boredom. That when I am feeling bored, I am actually feeling anxiety that I urgently need to be doing something- and in the past I'd eat. My goal is to take this anxiety about being bored, and turn it into something positive- like meditation. Meditation on God and writing about it helps me to wait that anxiety out and feel at peace inside.

Abstinence for me is a tight rope act. I have to be focused on that rope and feel my balance... I realize that when walking on this rope that I definitely will wobble back and forth a lot, but if I keep my hands reached out and steady myself with my tools, staying in balance will become easier as time goes on.

Image from
http://www.niagarafrontier.com/devil_frame.html

Labyrinth of Memories

I'm on step 4 in OA and its a tough one- facing all the mistakes and shame from my past. I don't think anyone can stand admitting when they are wrong- maybe that just comes naturally to some people- but ohhh not for me. I freely admit that yes, I like to think I'm perfect, that my way is always the best way for everyone, and that when someone won't try my way or thinks my way is wrong I have easily written people off or judged them accordingly. Its not so much fun going through all this and realizing what a stubborn fool I've been. Admitting that a lot of relationships that fell apart were my own doing definitely leaves a nasty taste in my mouth!!!

I'm muddling through, facing my mistakes and owning them for once. Even learning from them. I've had some binge days, I've had some good days, but I am no longer the queen of excuses playing the blame game all day. Trying to live for today and not worry about tomorrow and learn from yesterday. I'm doing my best to stick close to God and allow him to hold my hand and take me through this labyrinth of memories.

I need to be gentle with myself and instead of berating myself about these mistakes and wondering "what the HECK is wrong with me???" I can look up to my loving Father and feel his smile shine down on me and his hand warmly close around mine, nod, and move forward... and wow- that's a great new way to live. His grace truly amazes me, his love really is everlasting and always there.

I'm Still Worthy

1Corinthians 8:7-8 says: "7But not all people know this. Some people are still so used to idols that when they eat meat, they still think of it as being sacrificed to an idol. Because their conscience is weak, when they eat it, they feel guilty. 8But food will not bring us closer to God. Refusing to eat does not make us less pleasing to God, and eating does not make us better in God's sight."

I know this is talking bible days when people sacrificed animals and food to false idols, but yesterday when I read this passage it lit up and flew off the page and filled my heart.

Food and dieting have been the two major idols I've worshiped in my lifetime. There are so many foods I have labeled evil and horrible, that if I eat them create in me an unbearable feeling of guilt and despair. Let me just repeat that word: DESPAIR. This isn't the ordinary guilt someone might get from eating one too many oreos. This is guilt that brings up the voice of my disease, "Danielle, you are fat, and stupid, and worthless. What the heck is wrong with you? Where is your self control??? Just THINK of what that food is doing to your body right now. You are dirty. Unworthy. Horrible. You should go throw up. You should take laxatives and get it OUT OF YOU." Then later, after I've berated myself, the voice starts to try and pump me up, come up with plans to manipulate and punish me for what I have done, "Tomorrow, you are not aloud to eat. Absolutely nothing. Just drink coffee, and make sure you work out." Sets me up for failure almost every time. One extreme to another.

Verse 8 says that God will love me no matter what I eat or how I eat it. I cannot, by manipulating my diet, make God like me more or less.

Now, to what in verse 7 says that not everyone knows- the truth I know now: "4So this is what I say about eating meat sacrificed to idols. We know that an idol is really nothing in the world, and we know there is only one God. 5Even though there are many things called gods, in heaven or on earth (and there are many 'gods and 'lords'), 6for us there is only one God--our Father. All things came from him, and we live for him. And there is only one Lord-- Jesus Christ. All things were made through him, and we also were made through him."

An idol is really NOTHING in the world. What matters is that there is only one God. So to let go of the diets and the compulsive eating and this obsession with food I have, I have to go to him and allow him to guide me in this life. I will not make him love me more or less by dieting successfully or unsuccessfully, but because he has made me, he can REmake me. He can remove these things from my life, if I let him show me the way. Only HE can restore the balance in my life I so desperately need.

Recently, he has removed those labels I've attached to certain foods as "evil". He's helped me to see that I can eat, and I'm STILL WORTHY. He has created a love and a longing in me for myself, my own spirit, that has me wanting to treat myself with kindness and gentleness. I want to nourish my body now, not only with good food, but with the word of God and with love for others as well.

Miracles are happening here.

Thankful For My Rock

I had a rough day Sunday in regards to making tough life decisions. To make a long story short, my fiance has been putting off getting married and won't set a date, and I'm tired of waiting around. God made it clear to me that it was time to put it to him black and white- either you wanna marry me and we start planning
how we're gonna do this, or I'm out. I'm not going to wait around anymore.

I'm so thankful for OA because I've learned that my disease has helped create a people-pleaser out of me. I don't stick up for myself, and then in turn, soothe myself with food. Now without the food, I'm feeling my discomfort, and taking action!!! I will no longer be the doormat that people wipe their shoes on. I will no longer try to over-achieve and base my happiness on anyone else's judgment but Gods! I will love myself, take care of my body, and no longer neglect my spirit.

That said, it has been a rough few days, and like many compulsive overeaters, I tend to isolate when times get tough--- including isolating myself from God. I have had a couple small binges the last two days, but I'm catching myself in my wavering today before I let it get insane again. I woke up and have taken on the day with vigor, thanks to God's strength. I came to him with my problems and admitted I had been dishonest with myself the past couple days and asked him to forgive me and take the lead just for today. Its amazing how slippery that slope is back into my disease!!! But with my support groups and God there is ALWAYS a rock or a rope to grab!

A 'Perfect' World

Today after my step work it was obvious to see where God is breaking me down. I can see how much I hold onto this fantasy of perfection that has never been real. I really have been deluded for so long. Unhappy with the things in my life that were out of control, I created this fantasy 'perfect' life I could escape to, and I manipulated people and other things in my life to attempt to make that fantasy real. More and more this work shows me where and what I hold onto way too tightly. God's breaking it all down, exposing to me slowly the painful truth. I'm letting this pain be my teacher. I will not run from it any longer. As my 'perfect' world crashes down around me I will be set free of its walls, and finally feel the light of truth shine down on me and warm my soul.

Restore Me to Sanity

My compulsive eating is something I despise. I hate food. If I could just quit eating for the rest of my life, that would be a dream come true. It is the source of so much unhappiness. It has made me fat, and being fat makes me feel worthless. It makes my life unmanageable. So caught up in eating and hiding the evidence or not eating and fighting the grumble in my stomach that I let my days pass me by. I lose out on time. Time I could use loving myself, loving my friends, and loving my family. Time I could use reading, connecting with nature, meditating. Time I could use blessing my home with cleanliness. Time I could use to pamper myself and be kind to myself. If I am going to beat this, I have to have faith! I cannot solve this, a doctor cannot solve this, a perfect husband/mother/father cannot solve this, but God can. God can heal me. God can work on me. God can lead me. If I let him. That's where faith comes in. I have to believe God can do it. I have to believe that he wants to help me, that he wants good things for my life, and trust him to take me where I need to go. Faith, honesty, and obedience. If I use today to obey what God's will is for me, I am honest with him about my needs and my feelings, if I ask from him for the courage and willpower I cannot stir up on my own... I can find freedom from compulsive eating.

Saying Goodbye

My sponsor suggested writing a letter to one of my favorite trigger foods, but I can't just do the one. I have to say goodbye to them all.

My dear trigger foods,

You have been there for me through so many things. You always made me feel better when times were tough. Every time I knew we would meet, I waited for you in excited anticipation. Knowing that the moment you were in my arms it would be okay, that I could smile and sigh in relief. You've been there for birthdays, graduations, celebration... you were there through my parent's divorce and second separation, you brought me together with others like minded as me, you were there after I was abused, you were there when I abused myself, you have been here through all the little mix-ups and mistakes that have made me feel bad, you've been around through my pregnancy, through late nights and long afternoons... You were there when I was alone, and when I was with friends.

But you've not been a good friend. You've helped me destroy my body. You have aided in my depression, in making me feel weak, powerless, stupid, ugly, fat, and worthless. The joy you bring me is only ever temporary, and the pain that follows is just as reliable. For years instead of looking forward to meeting you again, I've been filled with dread knowing I have to face you once again, and that once again, my resolve will wither away and I will cave to your power over me. I no longer love you, I hate you. I am afraid of you. The only reason I don't want to give you up is because I know that I will have to face you and your temptations again and again.

Your power over me has been like so many other abuses in my life. Yet, you are not a person hurting me to fulfill their own selfish needs. You are food. You have no mind, no will. And still somehow the power you hold over me is stronger than pretty much any other thing in my life.

I may not be able to overcome you on my own, but I do have God. The God of this whole world, a God who can do anything, a God who can take your power over me away. I don't have to be afraid anymore because I can look to God for comfort now, for happiness, for peace. And God doesn't take it all back and make me feel bad for getting that from Him. He wants me to have His love and gives it FREELY. And His love makes me feel better than any other thing in this world.

I don't have to ever regret loving God or asking Him to take control of my life. Ever. He will be with me through everything, no matter how big or small.

So goodbye trigger foods. So long. I know we will meet again, and often, but instead I will choose love and joy in God's light over you.

No longer yours,

Danielle

Temper Tantrum

Isaac had a major tantrum today. It lasted a half hour and he completely shut down. Isaac likes to hit his head on everything when he's angry. Today it was worse than I've ever seen. It started when we got home. We went to the store to pick up some juice, and I tried to take him upstairs he started screaming and smacking me in the face. I ended up having to hold him in a football hold to get him upstairs. When we got inside I tried putting him in the crib where he started slamming his head on the sides. I let him go at that for a little while then took him out where he let me hold him a little while before he started slapping my face again. Then I put him down and let him hit his head on the ground a while. I tried laughing, speaking to him calmly, and even singing (which only resulted in him walking over and covering my mouth). I finally just sat and waited.

It reminded me of my own tantrums as a kid and how my mother handled them. When I was having tantrums my mom laughed at me. I've tried taking that approach and it does not work. Today I thought about how I would feel if someone had done something that made me mad and they laughed in my face about it. It would make me MORE mad. It would make me feel like that person did not care that they made me feel that way. It would hurt my feelings.

So today after I let him get it out and he got to a point where he was looking me in the eye, I said "You are MAD! I'm MAD that you're MAD! You wanted to stay outside but I made you come upstairs! There are things that happen to mommy that makes her mad too!! She doesn't want you to feel mad right now and that makes her MAD!" He quieted down, and told me about how he was feeling, in his own Isaac-language. I had a tear come down my face and I wiped it off and showed him. He grabbed my finger, sat up, and crawled into my lap, and hugged me. He calmed right down and fell asleep. I did not yell, yet I did not speak calmly. I tried to use a tone of voice that sounded as if I understood and could reflect his anger.

I have tried this approach before, but I think my timing was off and I failed. Today it worked. I hope that it can work again.

It has me thinking though about how I deal with my feelings. I do everything I can think of to "shut them up." I numb them with substances, I discount them and tell them they don't belong, I berate myself for feeling them, I tell myself I'm weak...

Isaac lets us know when something is bothering him. He doesn't pretend he's fine while he suffers inside. I thanked God for him today because I think he may be a great example to learn from. I am not perfect, but for a long time I've tried to create this persona of a mom who's got it together and has everything she wants from life, when inside I'm crumbling away. I'm not saying I want to start throwing tantrums like a toddler, but I do want to be more open about my feelings, and learn how to own them and cope with them- instead of stuffing them down and numbing them.

My emotions are real. They are nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes they are sinful, but that's why God gave me a Savior. God is here for me to help me through them and show me a better way.

Sacrifice

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God – this is true worship. " Romans 12:1

We are to give over the things we hold onto the tightest to God. Not give Him the things that we don't really care much about. The things we hold control of are the things He wants, and the things WE NEED to give over. These are the things that are (or can be) poisonous in our lives.

God gave me a vision where I walking in a field of flowers with Him. I picked the best flowers and gave them to Him. I know for myself, even when I'm dishing food out to my family, I tend to analyze what bowl/plate has the most of whatever I want on it and keep that one for myself. "Giving" things to people then feeling good about it, even though it wasn't much of a sacrifice to give away in the first place.. I willingly hand over to God the easy stuff, but when it comes to giving him control of my life decisions, my food consumption, my relationship, or my family-- I am very reluctant.

If I am going to live well and healthy, I need to give God all of myself, not just my leftovers. I need to work hard, not cut corners and rush through, and hold up my end of things if I really want God to come in and change me. The parts of myself that I hold onto, God cannot change. He will not violate us by forcing Himself into our lives that way. He wants us to come to him willingly (even if its reluctant willingness, because wow, it can be scary).

"Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday." Psalm 37:3-6

Sometimes we aren't ready to hand it all over to God, but in his grace He is a PATIENT father! Something I am so thankful for. He will wait until He knows we are ready. He will put in our lives the tools that each of us need to change, and if we see them and use them, He will love and support us through our pain and joy.

I look forward in anticipation of what God has in store for me. It feels wonderful to know that He's got my back, that He wants for me what is good for me, that as I take these difficult steps to deal with my past and learn to deal with issues in the present and in the future, He will walk alongside me.

Giving into the Anxiety

For almost 4 years I have chronically counted calories and RITUALLY weighed myself. I weigh myself 10 times a day. I have gone off and on trying to stay accountable, to try and eat in moderation, and to live a healthy lifestyle. Its my #1 struggle. It consumes all of my life. All of my thoughts and feelings are tainted with thoughts of calories, exercise, weight, pants size.... If you know what its like to live this way, you know how absolutely MISERABLE it is.

I recently joined OA. Overeaters Anonymous. I have found people who know what my misery is. Who know what emotional eating and binging is like. Who know the feeling of shame when going to bed with a stomach so full they want to cut it out of themselves and sew their mouths shut- to feel VIOLENTLY ANGRY with themselves. To RESENT food so completely that if they could just quit eating it forever, they would. To feel so utterly and horribly out of control that they don't know why they keep trying to control anything anymore.

A month ago I felt completely lost and helpless. I had no hope. The only thing I could think of that would stop me from eating anymore would be locking myself in a room without food. I seriously considered hospitalizing myself and called several places about inpatient and outpatient programs for eating disorders and depression. I didn't know where else to turn. I had been praying and asking people to pray for me but hadn't found what I needed yet.

Then God led me to OA. Now, somehow, I haven't binged in 15 days. My attitude is changing. I still have trouble avoiding tracking and weighing myself. I want to give up complete control to God. And I know the only reason I track and weigh myself are to feel in control.

I tracked today for the first time in 2 weeks. I didn't like what I saw (even though it was not all that bad), and now I'm feeling guilty and upset.

Do you see what this does to me? Tracking helps some people, for me, it makes me insane! I did good today! I shouldn't be sitting here wanting to cry and feeling pissed at myself.

I think I'm finally ready to give it all over to God. The scales, the tracking. One day at a time. I feel so crappy right now, and I know this is what I need to do.

God I pray you can be with me for the rest of tonight and any time I want to weigh or track myself again. Next time I feel the need to do it I pray you fill me so completely with your spirit that your strength holds me back and takes me somewhere more peaceful. Please take away the anxiety that I will feel when wanting to track or weigh myself. Help me be at peace. I want you in control of my weight and my calories. I can't control them. They control me. You can have them. AMEN.

It's OKAY to Hurt

I struggle with giving it all over to God. He longs to be close with me, but I'm like an injured abused dog, I bite when even someone with the softest touch gets too close. God has always been accommodating when I need Him to distance himself. The sad part is:

I know I need Him, and I crave His closeness.

To heal I need to let God close to clean and dress my wounds, and I let some of that happen this week.

I'm about to really open up here. I'm done hiding in shame. These things happened to me. They are ugly, but to heal I need to let it out.

After my parents divorce, gaining 100 lbs made me a very big girl. I did not feel beautiful. I did not think anyone could want me. And when a guy paid attention to me and thought I was attractive, I threw the doors wide open.

I slept with a lot of guys just "for the fun of it". Friends with benefits type deals, except none of them were really my friends. I had a guy I slept with hide me from everyone he knew, embarrassed to be seen with me. I experienced hearing many guys being made fun of for being with me. Almost every guy I ever dated cheated on me. Some blatantly, in public, where other people knew about him being with me, knowing me, and not telling me about it.

I was raped when I was 16. It was date rape. I was a baby... I mean- I didn't know how to say no.. I'd NEVER had ANYONE pay attention to me at all. I was camping with my friends' and their family, we met these two guys 22 and 24 and gave them money to get us something to drink. They returned with a bottle of whiskey. I'd never really drank before and drank way too much, and one of the guys took me into a tent and basically had his way with me.

I've always laughed it off like "oh I lost my virginity to a one-night stand" I was hurting in the morning, broken. My friends were congratulating me on losing the big V. I just kept up the front. I never admitted to anyone before this week that it was rape. Over the years I have been filled with guilt and ANGER about it. I should have told him no, I should have had more respect for myself.... The problem was that I didn't have the POWER TO SAY NO.

In my life I try not to bring these things up because I feel like they are in the past and I should just move on... this week I realized I have to talk about them, bring them up, and acknowledge my feelings (along with have them acknowledged by others). The other night I was laying in bed and I thought about these things and just started bawling.

I've never cried about it before.

I always was the tough girl, nothing could hurt me, sleeping with all those guys made me cool, attractive. Inside I felt very different.

I didn't cry long, because I remembered God loves me as I am, including all my flaws and my past. His love is unconditional. I slept with those guys because all I wanted was someone to love me. Someone to care about me, no matter what. I don't have to live that way now because I have that with Someone who will never ever EVER hurt or betray me.

To give it all over to God, well, I will have to do it every day, maybe even every HOUR. I tend to take it all back every time; I want to control my life, I feel so out of control of everything else, whatever I CAN control I hold onto very tightly. If I take it back, I have to give it back to Him again. If I have to do it a billion times to finally let Him keep it, I will.

I'm willing.

Feel Your Greatness

Have you ever read a really good book or watched a movie that made you feel like you could change the world afterward?

I have this feeling burning inside me. I have had it often. Like I'm meant for something huge. I know I have all these obstacles obstructing my way there though. I don't know what God has in mind for me, and I may sound arrogant, but I don't think that He allowed me to go through all the horrible things I've experienced for nothing. I think I'm meant for something enormously important. I don't think I'll be famous or something, but I think I'm definitely here to help people. To inspire people. To give others hope. To help them stop shading their eyes from the truth and see the bigger picture.

I feel like a warrior in training. I feel my greatness burning inside me, and I have to allow God to carefully extract the bullets from my wounds, cleanse my body of poison, and fill me with locomotion. He is training me for combat. Hardening my skin and softening my heart. Pulling all the weeds from my garden. (Is that enough metaphor for you?)

I challenge you today to search inside and find that greatness inside of you. What gets you excited? What fuels your fire? Figure it out and surround yourself with it. When our greatness is left unfulfilled and untrained, it eats us up inside. Find yours and let it out.

Decorate Yourself.

Feeling fugly? Slouchy? Grimy? Pimply?

Get up and decorate yourself.

Trust me: what you wear, doing your hair, and putting on make-up can completely revolutionize your attitude. I mean, that's why call centers still ask employees to dress professionally even though customers can't actually see them. You dress professionally, you act more professional. If you look like a mess, you will most likely act like a mess.

So go. Put on some sparkly make-up, curl your hair, and go grocery shopping!

Being Thankful

Yesterday I went for a walk in the morning. The sun was shining, it was warm, there were birds singing, the air had the faint smell of cut grass and flowers on it... one of those days where the earth in full bloom and beauty that you want to just take it into your heart and keep it there.

All I could think about was my shorts riding up and my legs rubbing together.

I went outside intending to fully enjoy the day and ended up spending half my walk berating myself and feeling incredibly frustrated and unhappy. The mood led me onto a train of thought that took me through my past, present, and future.

I remembered all the bad relationships I'd been in, I saw the beautiful houses around me and instead of daydreaming about living in one someday I thought about how I'd never live somewhere like that. I thought about how I probably looked trashy in the clothes I was wearing, that I was trash, who am I kidding. I thought about how lucky the people I used to be friends with are to no longer know me, how unlucky my poor son is to have me as a mother, and how much better off SO would be if he'd just leave me.I could see this train derailing up ahead and wanted to get off.

I opened up my heart and let God in and prayed for him to take these thoughts from me. Instead of thinking about all these old times I walked in the sunshine and celebrated God's grace, and thanked Him for every thing I have. Being thankful for what you have is a much nicer feeling than being angry about what you don't.

WWJD

Those bracelets were super trendy when I was in Jr. High. I am sure I need one, or the phrase tattooed onto my brain.

I, like many people, tend to act first think later. I lost a friend a few weeks ago and my heart is broken over it. I see I reacted in the situation that caused the loss, and I wish with all my might I could take it back but I can't. I have apologized but I don't think its going to do much good.

I want to stand up for what I believe in, but I can't seem to do it with grace. I've come to the conclusion that I need to let the gracious people stand up for my beliefs because my talent doesn't seem to be strong there.

I am no expert Christian. I fall and get up, run, and fall again. I try to take baby steps and fall. I am supposed to love all people, which in all honesty I feel I do, but I must be doing a bad job of showing it since I've alienated myself so well from some of my best friends.

My heart hurts. The control freak in me wants to remove everyone from my life so I don't have to hear the words "I can't be your friend" ever again. But I know that is wrong. The best thing I can do is eat my pride and apologize and hope for reconciliation. Even though knowing from my past reconciliations with me do not seem to last long. I don't know if its me, or the people I choose to befriend....

I want closeness with people again. I feel so alone!!!! I miss the days when my phone was ringing off the hook and I had to schedule "me" days because visitors seemed to always be knocking at my door. I have been struggling over figuring out if this was healthy, if having friends gave me confidence, or if confidence gave me friends. If it was me allowing people to take too much from me that kept them around, or if they just genuinely loved me for me. Its all so confusing.

I am sorry. I am sorry to all I've ever offended, ever hurt, ever made feel wronged or outcast. I really just want to be your friend and care about you. I don't want to be cynical and sarcastic to the people I love anymore. Please know I am only human and I make mistakes, that I am trying my best to learn how to think before I speak. That I would never want to hurt anyone I care about. I am so new to this way of thinking, I get lost and go astray often..... Please. Forgive me.

Role Models

I got done vacuuming the other day and turned to see Isaac holding the neck of a guitar hero guitar and pushing it on the floor like a vacuum. Each day I see how much of a role model I am for my son. Even if you aren't a parent, you are a role model for someone, and this is something we should all keep in mind.

I struggle with being a role model for him, because I am so far from perfect, so far from being someone I'd want him to be when he becomes an adult. In the past I've been a role model for my little brother, for kids at summer camps, for younger schoolmates... At times I've taken my job as a role model very seriously, where I really thought about my actions and the words that came out of my mouth. Other times I used my power, because that's what being a role model gives you, to corrupt.

We cannot control the choices others make, but we definitely can influence them. I wonder about all the kids who I got to do a drug for the first time, who I poked fun at for still being a virgin... I wonder if they are in a worse off place now because of me. I wonder if things for them could have been different if I had been supportive in a different way. I am very sorry for the things I have done in my past, and I want to do my best to give my son a better chance than that.

I am in the process of changing me inside. I do things and act ways I do not want my son to imitate. Every time he sees me lift a cigarette to my mouth I tell him not to look at me, that I'm ashamed of this habit, and I don't want him to think its okay. I promise to him that I will quit before he can remember me ever having the habit. When he gets fussy with me because I'm in the kitchen eating a bunch of stuff I shouldn't be eating, I give him some so he'll quiet down, but I feel guilty about it.... what am I teaching him to do?

Its so hard, so painful... I've had thoughts that maybe he'd be better off without me influencing him... but what its all come down to is that I have some problems, some bad habits, and its better for him to see me DEALING and COPING with whats going on, working hard to change myself, so that he can see he can change things about himself someday too if he needs to. I hope and pray that this can teach him to take on life in a manner I've struggled with myself. That he can have confidence that I don't have, that he won't have the anxiety and self doubt I inherited myself from my own parents. I hope that teaching him about God and Jesus and showing him a way to know Him personally can help give him that confidence I missed out on.

Remember, being a role model gives you power, the power of influence. Watch what you do, what you say. When someone asks you advice, listen well and think hard before you say anything at all. They may not imitate you, they may not take your advice, but you can influence them. Try to be a positive influence on the relationships around you. Especially your children.

Self Control

For me, self-control seems to be some phantom that swoops in and out of my life like a shadow. Like- Hey! I did pretty good today! Followed by several weeks of very very not so good days.

I have a very unhealthy obsession with my weight. I gained a lot of weight back in high school and didn't do much about trying to lose it until after I finished college. Up until that point I didn't think it was possible for me to lose weight. I finally found some groove and lost like 110 lbs, but since I got pregnant with Isaac, like a lot of moms, I struggle with losing it now.

I have about 60 lbs to lose to get to a normal bmi. Honestly I'd be happy to just get under the 200 lb mark since it seems to be next to impossible for me.

I just am tired of living every day thinking about my weight and my diet and all that constantly. It seriously shouldn't be the number one thing on my mind. It makes me miserable. Even when I think I've lost a couple pounds, because I've lost it and gained it back several times it doesn't even feel like an accomplishment!

I have been kind of just going with the flow the past few months. In the devotional I am currently doing I was challenged to follow a plan every day so that my days can be used constructively. I think this has been one of the hardest things for me to learn in my life, since I've always just kind of gone where the river takes me.

I haven't smoked for 2 days. I have had 3 days of successful diet (no I'm not counting my calories, but I am focusing on eating healthy foods). I have had 3 days that I filled with activities. I haven't been completely perfect, but I feel victorious and its building momentum.

I have been trying to limit my computer and tv time so that I can focus on more important things.

I can't live my life if I ignore it. Trying to take this as slow as I can so I don't slip up or burn out. I really want to get things in order again. To relearn self-control in areas I used to have it in. So I can feel good about the things I do and confident in my own actions.

Joy

I have been toughing out some depression for a year or so now. I have months where its better, and days and weeks when its practically unbearable.

During this time I have learned a lot about myself. God has been tearing me down and rebuilding the way I deal with relationships. He has shown me how to say no to people, and how to be honest to people about my feelings.

At the beginning of the year I had a bit of a falling out with someone I had made a role model for myself. Through this experience I learned I have a tendency to put people around me on a pedestal. When I am unsure of myself and fearful of judgment I see these peoples' actions as perfect and correct, and my own wrong. I become frustrated wondering why I can't figure out why I can't do things right.

God told me He made me and I should be myself, because he created me. He gave me a drive and talent in areas of my life others do not have. My struggles in my life are mine, and are only between my God and me. I also learned that just because a person is in a place of leadership doesn't mean they got it all down. This is obvious to even me, but somehow still unconsciously had a "she's right, I'm wrong" mentality.

I'm not going to get into the details of what went on. Just what I'm struggling with now. I am certain its best I stay away from this person for the most part. I know I will see them from time to time and hopefully things can be civil, but I'm hung up on it. The whole thing just makes me sick. I hate feeling like I need to prove myself to someone. The only person I need to prove myself to is God, because He is the one who will judge me.

I can't stand drama. I've learned the past couple years that I prefer to stay away from people. Every person I've ever been close with has hurt and betrayed me. I do not trust people. When all this went down in January I pulled away from God too. I didn't want to, but it was just all too much. Just a puny human response I guess. When I attempt to have a close friendship this is what I get. Hurt.

I feel like I want to email this person and grovel. I hate that feeling. I don't think I should be begging for forgiveness when I didn't do anything wrong! Its like guilt by association or something. Ugh. Why do I do that? Does my past control me so much? My parents' wrongdoings and the guilt associated with them passed onto me?

The other day I just sat down and cried. I don't get why all this mess in my life can't just go away. How many times to I have to deal with an issue before its dealt with and GONE? Its not like I have sat on it and ignored it! I have spent years recovering from all the junk that happened in my life. I just want to find JOY again. Even that has to be hard. Even a relationship with God is hard to have. Every time He gets close I pull away, He wants to dig around in my head and pull out all the years of rot and it hurts.

God is my dentist. He's drilling out my decay.

MY, ME, I!!!

So, it turns out, being the caretaker-type, then having a child on top of that... well, it can make me lose sight of Me.

Hello! Its totally cool for me to spend some time everyday doing something I want to do for myself. Working on a goal that is purely for my own benefit, and really no one else's (as long as its not something harmful for those around me, of course). No need to feel guilty that instead of getting down on the floor to scoop cheerios off the carpet or push cars around with my son, I chose to educate myself further and work towards something I've wanted for myself for a long time! Am I right? (Of course I am).

I have probably mentioned it before, but I have a Bachelor's in Fine Art. The whole point in going to school for art was so that, obviously, I could be an artist. Now, I got a bit sidetracked and disheartened on that goal, even before I graduated. Thinking of all that was scary and hard to imagine happening! They probably do a better job of it now, but when I was in school- I didn't really receive much information on how to really get started as an artist after I left (which is probably why a lot of the people I know from school work in coffee shops and welding factories now).

I have taken it upon myself this past month to educate myself on "being an artist." Back in high school, when I was dreaming up this future for myself, I thought becoming an artist meant if I just worked hard, made a lot of neat stuff, and showed it to people I would eventually be "discovered" and some gallery or art seller would take me under their wing and get me rich and famous. Doesn't that sound magical and fancy?

Over the past few years I've come up with a barrel of reasons why I can't actually be an artist, and the past few months, I finally have seen those those for what they really are: Excuses. I want to make stuff people want to buy, and sell it. That sounds to me like starting a business. That sounds to me like a lot of work. OH NO! WORK?

My number one excuse for not going for this? The excuse I didn't say out loud? The excuse I wouldn't even admit to myself? Laziness. That's right. The whole reason my life for so many years was out of control. Doing the right thing just seemed too hard. What a selfish and meaningless existence!

I lost 100 lbs, figured out hard work is WORTH the effort, and now here I am, an ARTIST. If I want this, I can have it. God gave me this talent, I'm gonna use it! I've been inspired by so many people I used to feel jealous of. Blaming my decisions in my life on everyone and everything but myself. My fiancée is doing what he loves to do, not because he was LUCKY, but because he worked his butt off to get to a point where he COULD.

So, it will take a lot of self-motivation, a lot of work (because seriously, learning about taxes, shipping laws, and copywrites is BORING and sometimes OVERWHELMING), but I'm going to stick it out, an do it. Because if I'm gonna pay back these stupid student loans, I'm gonna do something I love to do to make that money! No more avoiding that mountain. I'm gonna climb it.

Genesis 18:14 Is anything too hard for the LORD? I will return to you at the appointed time next year and Sarah will have a son."

Job 42:2 "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.

Jeremiah 32:17 "Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.

Jeremiah 32:27 "I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?

Mark 10:27 Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."