Self Control

For me, self-control seems to be some phantom that swoops in and out of my life like a shadow. Like- Hey! I did pretty good today! Followed by several weeks of very very not so good days.

I have a very unhealthy obsession with my weight. I gained a lot of weight back in high school and didn't do much about trying to lose it until after I finished college. Up until that point I didn't think it was possible for me to lose weight. I finally found some groove and lost like 110 lbs, but since I got pregnant with Isaac, like a lot of moms, I struggle with losing it now.

I have about 60 lbs to lose to get to a normal bmi. Honestly I'd be happy to just get under the 200 lb mark since it seems to be next to impossible for me.

I just am tired of living every day thinking about my weight and my diet and all that constantly. It seriously shouldn't be the number one thing on my mind. It makes me miserable. Even when I think I've lost a couple pounds, because I've lost it and gained it back several times it doesn't even feel like an accomplishment!

I have been kind of just going with the flow the past few months. In the devotional I am currently doing I was challenged to follow a plan every day so that my days can be used constructively. I think this has been one of the hardest things for me to learn in my life, since I've always just kind of gone where the river takes me.

I haven't smoked for 2 days. I have had 3 days of successful diet (no I'm not counting my calories, but I am focusing on eating healthy foods). I have had 3 days that I filled with activities. I haven't been completely perfect, but I feel victorious and its building momentum.

I have been trying to limit my computer and tv time so that I can focus on more important things.

I can't live my life if I ignore it. Trying to take this as slow as I can so I don't slip up or burn out. I really want to get things in order again. To relearn self-control in areas I used to have it in. So I can feel good about the things I do and confident in my own actions.

Joy

I have been toughing out some depression for a year or so now. I have months where its better, and days and weeks when its practically unbearable.

During this time I have learned a lot about myself. God has been tearing me down and rebuilding the way I deal with relationships. He has shown me how to say no to people, and how to be honest to people about my feelings.

At the beginning of the year I had a bit of a falling out with someone I had made a role model for myself. Through this experience I learned I have a tendency to put people around me on a pedestal. When I am unsure of myself and fearful of judgment I see these peoples' actions as perfect and correct, and my own wrong. I become frustrated wondering why I can't figure out why I can't do things right.

God told me He made me and I should be myself, because he created me. He gave me a drive and talent in areas of my life others do not have. My struggles in my life are mine, and are only between my God and me. I also learned that just because a person is in a place of leadership doesn't mean they got it all down. This is obvious to even me, but somehow still unconsciously had a "she's right, I'm wrong" mentality.

I'm not going to get into the details of what went on. Just what I'm struggling with now. I am certain its best I stay away from this person for the most part. I know I will see them from time to time and hopefully things can be civil, but I'm hung up on it. The whole thing just makes me sick. I hate feeling like I need to prove myself to someone. The only person I need to prove myself to is God, because He is the one who will judge me.

I can't stand drama. I've learned the past couple years that I prefer to stay away from people. Every person I've ever been close with has hurt and betrayed me. I do not trust people. When all this went down in January I pulled away from God too. I didn't want to, but it was just all too much. Just a puny human response I guess. When I attempt to have a close friendship this is what I get. Hurt.

I feel like I want to email this person and grovel. I hate that feeling. I don't think I should be begging for forgiveness when I didn't do anything wrong! Its like guilt by association or something. Ugh. Why do I do that? Does my past control me so much? My parents' wrongdoings and the guilt associated with them passed onto me?

The other day I just sat down and cried. I don't get why all this mess in my life can't just go away. How many times to I have to deal with an issue before its dealt with and GONE? Its not like I have sat on it and ignored it! I have spent years recovering from all the junk that happened in my life. I just want to find JOY again. Even that has to be hard. Even a relationship with God is hard to have. Every time He gets close I pull away, He wants to dig around in my head and pull out all the years of rot and it hurts.

God is my dentist. He's drilling out my decay.