It's OKAY to Hurt

I struggle with giving it all over to God. He longs to be close with me, but I'm like an injured abused dog, I bite when even someone with the softest touch gets too close. God has always been accommodating when I need Him to distance himself. The sad part is:

I know I need Him, and I crave His closeness.

To heal I need to let God close to clean and dress my wounds, and I let some of that happen this week.

I'm about to really open up here. I'm done hiding in shame. These things happened to me. They are ugly, but to heal I need to let it out.

After my parents divorce, gaining 100 lbs made me a very big girl. I did not feel beautiful. I did not think anyone could want me. And when a guy paid attention to me and thought I was attractive, I threw the doors wide open.

I slept with a lot of guys just "for the fun of it". Friends with benefits type deals, except none of them were really my friends. I had a guy I slept with hide me from everyone he knew, embarrassed to be seen with me. I experienced hearing many guys being made fun of for being with me. Almost every guy I ever dated cheated on me. Some blatantly, in public, where other people knew about him being with me, knowing me, and not telling me about it.

I was raped when I was 16. It was date rape. I was a baby... I mean- I didn't know how to say no.. I'd NEVER had ANYONE pay attention to me at all. I was camping with my friends' and their family, we met these two guys 22 and 24 and gave them money to get us something to drink. They returned with a bottle of whiskey. I'd never really drank before and drank way too much, and one of the guys took me into a tent and basically had his way with me.

I've always laughed it off like "oh I lost my virginity to a one-night stand" I was hurting in the morning, broken. My friends were congratulating me on losing the big V. I just kept up the front. I never admitted to anyone before this week that it was rape. Over the years I have been filled with guilt and ANGER about it. I should have told him no, I should have had more respect for myself.... The problem was that I didn't have the POWER TO SAY NO.

In my life I try not to bring these things up because I feel like they are in the past and I should just move on... this week I realized I have to talk about them, bring them up, and acknowledge my feelings (along with have them acknowledged by others). The other night I was laying in bed and I thought about these things and just started bawling.

I've never cried about it before.

I always was the tough girl, nothing could hurt me, sleeping with all those guys made me cool, attractive. Inside I felt very different.

I didn't cry long, because I remembered God loves me as I am, including all my flaws and my past. His love is unconditional. I slept with those guys because all I wanted was someone to love me. Someone to care about me, no matter what. I don't have to live that way now because I have that with Someone who will never ever EVER hurt or betray me.

To give it all over to God, well, I will have to do it every day, maybe even every HOUR. I tend to take it all back every time; I want to control my life, I feel so out of control of everything else, whatever I CAN control I hold onto very tightly. If I take it back, I have to give it back to Him again. If I have to do it a billion times to finally let Him keep it, I will.

I'm willing.

Feel Your Greatness

Have you ever read a really good book or watched a movie that made you feel like you could change the world afterward?

I have this feeling burning inside me. I have had it often. Like I'm meant for something huge. I know I have all these obstacles obstructing my way there though. I don't know what God has in mind for me, and I may sound arrogant, but I don't think that He allowed me to go through all the horrible things I've experienced for nothing. I think I'm meant for something enormously important. I don't think I'll be famous or something, but I think I'm definitely here to help people. To inspire people. To give others hope. To help them stop shading their eyes from the truth and see the bigger picture.

I feel like a warrior in training. I feel my greatness burning inside me, and I have to allow God to carefully extract the bullets from my wounds, cleanse my body of poison, and fill me with locomotion. He is training me for combat. Hardening my skin and softening my heart. Pulling all the weeds from my garden. (Is that enough metaphor for you?)

I challenge you today to search inside and find that greatness inside of you. What gets you excited? What fuels your fire? Figure it out and surround yourself with it. When our greatness is left unfulfilled and untrained, it eats us up inside. Find yours and let it out.

Decorate Yourself.

Feeling fugly? Slouchy? Grimy? Pimply?

Get up and decorate yourself.

Trust me: what you wear, doing your hair, and putting on make-up can completely revolutionize your attitude. I mean, that's why call centers still ask employees to dress professionally even though customers can't actually see them. You dress professionally, you act more professional. If you look like a mess, you will most likely act like a mess.

So go. Put on some sparkly make-up, curl your hair, and go grocery shopping!

Being Thankful

Yesterday I went for a walk in the morning. The sun was shining, it was warm, there were birds singing, the air had the faint smell of cut grass and flowers on it... one of those days where the earth in full bloom and beauty that you want to just take it into your heart and keep it there.

All I could think about was my shorts riding up and my legs rubbing together.

I went outside intending to fully enjoy the day and ended up spending half my walk berating myself and feeling incredibly frustrated and unhappy. The mood led me onto a train of thought that took me through my past, present, and future.

I remembered all the bad relationships I'd been in, I saw the beautiful houses around me and instead of daydreaming about living in one someday I thought about how I'd never live somewhere like that. I thought about how I probably looked trashy in the clothes I was wearing, that I was trash, who am I kidding. I thought about how lucky the people I used to be friends with are to no longer know me, how unlucky my poor son is to have me as a mother, and how much better off SO would be if he'd just leave me.I could see this train derailing up ahead and wanted to get off.

I opened up my heart and let God in and prayed for him to take these thoughts from me. Instead of thinking about all these old times I walked in the sunshine and celebrated God's grace, and thanked Him for every thing I have. Being thankful for what you have is a much nicer feeling than being angry about what you don't.

WWJD

Those bracelets were super trendy when I was in Jr. High. I am sure I need one, or the phrase tattooed onto my brain.

I, like many people, tend to act first think later. I lost a friend a few weeks ago and my heart is broken over it. I see I reacted in the situation that caused the loss, and I wish with all my might I could take it back but I can't. I have apologized but I don't think its going to do much good.

I want to stand up for what I believe in, but I can't seem to do it with grace. I've come to the conclusion that I need to let the gracious people stand up for my beliefs because my talent doesn't seem to be strong there.

I am no expert Christian. I fall and get up, run, and fall again. I try to take baby steps and fall. I am supposed to love all people, which in all honesty I feel I do, but I must be doing a bad job of showing it since I've alienated myself so well from some of my best friends.

My heart hurts. The control freak in me wants to remove everyone from my life so I don't have to hear the words "I can't be your friend" ever again. But I know that is wrong. The best thing I can do is eat my pride and apologize and hope for reconciliation. Even though knowing from my past reconciliations with me do not seem to last long. I don't know if its me, or the people I choose to befriend....

I want closeness with people again. I feel so alone!!!! I miss the days when my phone was ringing off the hook and I had to schedule "me" days because visitors seemed to always be knocking at my door. I have been struggling over figuring out if this was healthy, if having friends gave me confidence, or if confidence gave me friends. If it was me allowing people to take too much from me that kept them around, or if they just genuinely loved me for me. Its all so confusing.

I am sorry. I am sorry to all I've ever offended, ever hurt, ever made feel wronged or outcast. I really just want to be your friend and care about you. I don't want to be cynical and sarcastic to the people I love anymore. Please know I am only human and I make mistakes, that I am trying my best to learn how to think before I speak. That I would never want to hurt anyone I care about. I am so new to this way of thinking, I get lost and go astray often..... Please. Forgive me.

Role Models

I got done vacuuming the other day and turned to see Isaac holding the neck of a guitar hero guitar and pushing it on the floor like a vacuum. Each day I see how much of a role model I am for my son. Even if you aren't a parent, you are a role model for someone, and this is something we should all keep in mind.

I struggle with being a role model for him, because I am so far from perfect, so far from being someone I'd want him to be when he becomes an adult. In the past I've been a role model for my little brother, for kids at summer camps, for younger schoolmates... At times I've taken my job as a role model very seriously, where I really thought about my actions and the words that came out of my mouth. Other times I used my power, because that's what being a role model gives you, to corrupt.

We cannot control the choices others make, but we definitely can influence them. I wonder about all the kids who I got to do a drug for the first time, who I poked fun at for still being a virgin... I wonder if they are in a worse off place now because of me. I wonder if things for them could have been different if I had been supportive in a different way. I am very sorry for the things I have done in my past, and I want to do my best to give my son a better chance than that.

I am in the process of changing me inside. I do things and act ways I do not want my son to imitate. Every time he sees me lift a cigarette to my mouth I tell him not to look at me, that I'm ashamed of this habit, and I don't want him to think its okay. I promise to him that I will quit before he can remember me ever having the habit. When he gets fussy with me because I'm in the kitchen eating a bunch of stuff I shouldn't be eating, I give him some so he'll quiet down, but I feel guilty about it.... what am I teaching him to do?

Its so hard, so painful... I've had thoughts that maybe he'd be better off without me influencing him... but what its all come down to is that I have some problems, some bad habits, and its better for him to see me DEALING and COPING with whats going on, working hard to change myself, so that he can see he can change things about himself someday too if he needs to. I hope and pray that this can teach him to take on life in a manner I've struggled with myself. That he can have confidence that I don't have, that he won't have the anxiety and self doubt I inherited myself from my own parents. I hope that teaching him about God and Jesus and showing him a way to know Him personally can help give him that confidence I missed out on.

Remember, being a role model gives you power, the power of influence. Watch what you do, what you say. When someone asks you advice, listen well and think hard before you say anything at all. They may not imitate you, they may not take your advice, but you can influence them. Try to be a positive influence on the relationships around you. Especially your children.