It's OKAY to Hurt

I struggle with giving it all over to God. He longs to be close with me, but I'm like an injured abused dog, I bite when even someone with the softest touch gets too close. God has always been accommodating when I need Him to distance himself. The sad part is:

I know I need Him, and I crave His closeness.

To heal I need to let God close to clean and dress my wounds, and I let some of that happen this week.

I'm about to really open up here. I'm done hiding in shame. These things happened to me. They are ugly, but to heal I need to let it out.

After my parents divorce, gaining 100 lbs made me a very big girl. I did not feel beautiful. I did not think anyone could want me. And when a guy paid attention to me and thought I was attractive, I threw the doors wide open.

I slept with a lot of guys just "for the fun of it". Friends with benefits type deals, except none of them were really my friends. I had a guy I slept with hide me from everyone he knew, embarrassed to be seen with me. I experienced hearing many guys being made fun of for being with me. Almost every guy I ever dated cheated on me. Some blatantly, in public, where other people knew about him being with me, knowing me, and not telling me about it.

I was raped when I was 16. It was date rape. I was a baby... I mean- I didn't know how to say no.. I'd NEVER had ANYONE pay attention to me at all. I was camping with my friends' and their family, we met these two guys 22 and 24 and gave them money to get us something to drink. They returned with a bottle of whiskey. I'd never really drank before and drank way too much, and one of the guys took me into a tent and basically had his way with me.

I've always laughed it off like "oh I lost my virginity to a one-night stand" I was hurting in the morning, broken. My friends were congratulating me on losing the big V. I just kept up the front. I never admitted to anyone before this week that it was rape. Over the years I have been filled with guilt and ANGER about it. I should have told him no, I should have had more respect for myself.... The problem was that I didn't have the POWER TO SAY NO.

In my life I try not to bring these things up because I feel like they are in the past and I should just move on... this week I realized I have to talk about them, bring them up, and acknowledge my feelings (along with have them acknowledged by others). The other night I was laying in bed and I thought about these things and just started bawling.

I've never cried about it before.

I always was the tough girl, nothing could hurt me, sleeping with all those guys made me cool, attractive. Inside I felt very different.

I didn't cry long, because I remembered God loves me as I am, including all my flaws and my past. His love is unconditional. I slept with those guys because all I wanted was someone to love me. Someone to care about me, no matter what. I don't have to live that way now because I have that with Someone who will never ever EVER hurt or betray me.

To give it all over to God, well, I will have to do it every day, maybe even every HOUR. I tend to take it all back every time; I want to control my life, I feel so out of control of everything else, whatever I CAN control I hold onto very tightly. If I take it back, I have to give it back to Him again. If I have to do it a billion times to finally let Him keep it, I will.

I'm willing.