WWJD

Those bracelets were super trendy when I was in Jr. High. I am sure I need one, or the phrase tattooed onto my brain.

I, like many people, tend to act first think later. I lost a friend a few weeks ago and my heart is broken over it. I see I reacted in the situation that caused the loss, and I wish with all my might I could take it back but I can't. I have apologized but I don't think its going to do much good.

I want to stand up for what I believe in, but I can't seem to do it with grace. I've come to the conclusion that I need to let the gracious people stand up for my beliefs because my talent doesn't seem to be strong there.

I am no expert Christian. I fall and get up, run, and fall again. I try to take baby steps and fall. I am supposed to love all people, which in all honesty I feel I do, but I must be doing a bad job of showing it since I've alienated myself so well from some of my best friends.

My heart hurts. The control freak in me wants to remove everyone from my life so I don't have to hear the words "I can't be your friend" ever again. But I know that is wrong. The best thing I can do is eat my pride and apologize and hope for reconciliation. Even though knowing from my past reconciliations with me do not seem to last long. I don't know if its me, or the people I choose to befriend....

I want closeness with people again. I feel so alone!!!! I miss the days when my phone was ringing off the hook and I had to schedule "me" days because visitors seemed to always be knocking at my door. I have been struggling over figuring out if this was healthy, if having friends gave me confidence, or if confidence gave me friends. If it was me allowing people to take too much from me that kept them around, or if they just genuinely loved me for me. Its all so confusing.

I am sorry. I am sorry to all I've ever offended, ever hurt, ever made feel wronged or outcast. I really just want to be your friend and care about you. I don't want to be cynical and sarcastic to the people I love anymore. Please know I am only human and I make mistakes, that I am trying my best to learn how to think before I speak. That I would never want to hurt anyone I care about. I am so new to this way of thinking, I get lost and go astray often..... Please. Forgive me.