Saying Goodbye

My sponsor suggested writing a letter to one of my favorite trigger foods, but I can't just do the one. I have to say goodbye to them all.

My dear trigger foods,

You have been there for me through so many things. You always made me feel better when times were tough. Every time I knew we would meet, I waited for you in excited anticipation. Knowing that the moment you were in my arms it would be okay, that I could smile and sigh in relief. You've been there for birthdays, graduations, celebration... you were there through my parent's divorce and second separation, you brought me together with others like minded as me, you were there after I was abused, you were there when I abused myself, you have been here through all the little mix-ups and mistakes that have made me feel bad, you've been around through my pregnancy, through late nights and long afternoons... You were there when I was alone, and when I was with friends.

But you've not been a good friend. You've helped me destroy my body. You have aided in my depression, in making me feel weak, powerless, stupid, ugly, fat, and worthless. The joy you bring me is only ever temporary, and the pain that follows is just as reliable. For years instead of looking forward to meeting you again, I've been filled with dread knowing I have to face you once again, and that once again, my resolve will wither away and I will cave to your power over me. I no longer love you, I hate you. I am afraid of you. The only reason I don't want to give you up is because I know that I will have to face you and your temptations again and again.

Your power over me has been like so many other abuses in my life. Yet, you are not a person hurting me to fulfill their own selfish needs. You are food. You have no mind, no will. And still somehow the power you hold over me is stronger than pretty much any other thing in my life.

I may not be able to overcome you on my own, but I do have God. The God of this whole world, a God who can do anything, a God who can take your power over me away. I don't have to be afraid anymore because I can look to God for comfort now, for happiness, for peace. And God doesn't take it all back and make me feel bad for getting that from Him. He wants me to have His love and gives it FREELY. And His love makes me feel better than any other thing in this world.

I don't have to ever regret loving God or asking Him to take control of my life. Ever. He will be with me through everything, no matter how big or small.

So goodbye trigger foods. So long. I know we will meet again, and often, but instead I will choose love and joy in God's light over you.

No longer yours,

Danielle

Temper Tantrum

Isaac had a major tantrum today. It lasted a half hour and he completely shut down. Isaac likes to hit his head on everything when he's angry. Today it was worse than I've ever seen. It started when we got home. We went to the store to pick up some juice, and I tried to take him upstairs he started screaming and smacking me in the face. I ended up having to hold him in a football hold to get him upstairs. When we got inside I tried putting him in the crib where he started slamming his head on the sides. I let him go at that for a little while then took him out where he let me hold him a little while before he started slapping my face again. Then I put him down and let him hit his head on the ground a while. I tried laughing, speaking to him calmly, and even singing (which only resulted in him walking over and covering my mouth). I finally just sat and waited.

It reminded me of my own tantrums as a kid and how my mother handled them. When I was having tantrums my mom laughed at me. I've tried taking that approach and it does not work. Today I thought about how I would feel if someone had done something that made me mad and they laughed in my face about it. It would make me MORE mad. It would make me feel like that person did not care that they made me feel that way. It would hurt my feelings.

So today after I let him get it out and he got to a point where he was looking me in the eye, I said "You are MAD! I'm MAD that you're MAD! You wanted to stay outside but I made you come upstairs! There are things that happen to mommy that makes her mad too!! She doesn't want you to feel mad right now and that makes her MAD!" He quieted down, and told me about how he was feeling, in his own Isaac-language. I had a tear come down my face and I wiped it off and showed him. He grabbed my finger, sat up, and crawled into my lap, and hugged me. He calmed right down and fell asleep. I did not yell, yet I did not speak calmly. I tried to use a tone of voice that sounded as if I understood and could reflect his anger.

I have tried this approach before, but I think my timing was off and I failed. Today it worked. I hope that it can work again.

It has me thinking though about how I deal with my feelings. I do everything I can think of to "shut them up." I numb them with substances, I discount them and tell them they don't belong, I berate myself for feeling them, I tell myself I'm weak...

Isaac lets us know when something is bothering him. He doesn't pretend he's fine while he suffers inside. I thanked God for him today because I think he may be a great example to learn from. I am not perfect, but for a long time I've tried to create this persona of a mom who's got it together and has everything she wants from life, when inside I'm crumbling away. I'm not saying I want to start throwing tantrums like a toddler, but I do want to be more open about my feelings, and learn how to own them and cope with them- instead of stuffing them down and numbing them.

My emotions are real. They are nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes they are sinful, but that's why God gave me a Savior. God is here for me to help me through them and show me a better way.

Sacrifice

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God – this is true worship. " Romans 12:1

We are to give over the things we hold onto the tightest to God. Not give Him the things that we don't really care much about. The things we hold control of are the things He wants, and the things WE NEED to give over. These are the things that are (or can be) poisonous in our lives.

God gave me a vision where I walking in a field of flowers with Him. I picked the best flowers and gave them to Him. I know for myself, even when I'm dishing food out to my family, I tend to analyze what bowl/plate has the most of whatever I want on it and keep that one for myself. "Giving" things to people then feeling good about it, even though it wasn't much of a sacrifice to give away in the first place.. I willingly hand over to God the easy stuff, but when it comes to giving him control of my life decisions, my food consumption, my relationship, or my family-- I am very reluctant.

If I am going to live well and healthy, I need to give God all of myself, not just my leftovers. I need to work hard, not cut corners and rush through, and hold up my end of things if I really want God to come in and change me. The parts of myself that I hold onto, God cannot change. He will not violate us by forcing Himself into our lives that way. He wants us to come to him willingly (even if its reluctant willingness, because wow, it can be scary).

"Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday." Psalm 37:3-6

Sometimes we aren't ready to hand it all over to God, but in his grace He is a PATIENT father! Something I am so thankful for. He will wait until He knows we are ready. He will put in our lives the tools that each of us need to change, and if we see them and use them, He will love and support us through our pain and joy.

I look forward in anticipation of what God has in store for me. It feels wonderful to know that He's got my back, that He wants for me what is good for me, that as I take these difficult steps to deal with my past and learn to deal with issues in the present and in the future, He will walk alongside me.

Giving into the Anxiety

For almost 4 years I have chronically counted calories and RITUALLY weighed myself. I weigh myself 10 times a day. I have gone off and on trying to stay accountable, to try and eat in moderation, and to live a healthy lifestyle. Its my #1 struggle. It consumes all of my life. All of my thoughts and feelings are tainted with thoughts of calories, exercise, weight, pants size.... If you know what its like to live this way, you know how absolutely MISERABLE it is.

I recently joined OA. Overeaters Anonymous. I have found people who know what my misery is. Who know what emotional eating and binging is like. Who know the feeling of shame when going to bed with a stomach so full they want to cut it out of themselves and sew their mouths shut- to feel VIOLENTLY ANGRY with themselves. To RESENT food so completely that if they could just quit eating it forever, they would. To feel so utterly and horribly out of control that they don't know why they keep trying to control anything anymore.

A month ago I felt completely lost and helpless. I had no hope. The only thing I could think of that would stop me from eating anymore would be locking myself in a room without food. I seriously considered hospitalizing myself and called several places about inpatient and outpatient programs for eating disorders and depression. I didn't know where else to turn. I had been praying and asking people to pray for me but hadn't found what I needed yet.

Then God led me to OA. Now, somehow, I haven't binged in 15 days. My attitude is changing. I still have trouble avoiding tracking and weighing myself. I want to give up complete control to God. And I know the only reason I track and weigh myself are to feel in control.

I tracked today for the first time in 2 weeks. I didn't like what I saw (even though it was not all that bad), and now I'm feeling guilty and upset.

Do you see what this does to me? Tracking helps some people, for me, it makes me insane! I did good today! I shouldn't be sitting here wanting to cry and feeling pissed at myself.

I think I'm finally ready to give it all over to God. The scales, the tracking. One day at a time. I feel so crappy right now, and I know this is what I need to do.

God I pray you can be with me for the rest of tonight and any time I want to weigh or track myself again. Next time I feel the need to do it I pray you fill me so completely with your spirit that your strength holds me back and takes me somewhere more peaceful. Please take away the anxiety that I will feel when wanting to track or weigh myself. Help me be at peace. I want you in control of my weight and my calories. I can't control them. They control me. You can have them. AMEN.