Giving into the Anxiety

For almost 4 years I have chronically counted calories and RITUALLY weighed myself. I weigh myself 10 times a day. I have gone off and on trying to stay accountable, to try and eat in moderation, and to live a healthy lifestyle. Its my #1 struggle. It consumes all of my life. All of my thoughts and feelings are tainted with thoughts of calories, exercise, weight, pants size.... If you know what its like to live this way, you know how absolutely MISERABLE it is.

I recently joined OA. Overeaters Anonymous. I have found people who know what my misery is. Who know what emotional eating and binging is like. Who know the feeling of shame when going to bed with a stomach so full they want to cut it out of themselves and sew their mouths shut- to feel VIOLENTLY ANGRY with themselves. To RESENT food so completely that if they could just quit eating it forever, they would. To feel so utterly and horribly out of control that they don't know why they keep trying to control anything anymore.

A month ago I felt completely lost and helpless. I had no hope. The only thing I could think of that would stop me from eating anymore would be locking myself in a room without food. I seriously considered hospitalizing myself and called several places about inpatient and outpatient programs for eating disorders and depression. I didn't know where else to turn. I had been praying and asking people to pray for me but hadn't found what I needed yet.

Then God led me to OA. Now, somehow, I haven't binged in 15 days. My attitude is changing. I still have trouble avoiding tracking and weighing myself. I want to give up complete control to God. And I know the only reason I track and weigh myself are to feel in control.

I tracked today for the first time in 2 weeks. I didn't like what I saw (even though it was not all that bad), and now I'm feeling guilty and upset.

Do you see what this does to me? Tracking helps some people, for me, it makes me insane! I did good today! I shouldn't be sitting here wanting to cry and feeling pissed at myself.

I think I'm finally ready to give it all over to God. The scales, the tracking. One day at a time. I feel so crappy right now, and I know this is what I need to do.

God I pray you can be with me for the rest of tonight and any time I want to weigh or track myself again. Next time I feel the need to do it I pray you fill me so completely with your spirit that your strength holds me back and takes me somewhere more peaceful. Please take away the anxiety that I will feel when wanting to track or weigh myself. Help me be at peace. I want you in control of my weight and my calories. I can't control them. They control me. You can have them. AMEN.