Temper Tantrum

Isaac had a major tantrum today. It lasted a half hour and he completely shut down. Isaac likes to hit his head on everything when he's angry. Today it was worse than I've ever seen. It started when we got home. We went to the store to pick up some juice, and I tried to take him upstairs he started screaming and smacking me in the face. I ended up having to hold him in a football hold to get him upstairs. When we got inside I tried putting him in the crib where he started slamming his head on the sides. I let him go at that for a little while then took him out where he let me hold him a little while before he started slapping my face again. Then I put him down and let him hit his head on the ground a while. I tried laughing, speaking to him calmly, and even singing (which only resulted in him walking over and covering my mouth). I finally just sat and waited.

It reminded me of my own tantrums as a kid and how my mother handled them. When I was having tantrums my mom laughed at me. I've tried taking that approach and it does not work. Today I thought about how I would feel if someone had done something that made me mad and they laughed in my face about it. It would make me MORE mad. It would make me feel like that person did not care that they made me feel that way. It would hurt my feelings.

So today after I let him get it out and he got to a point where he was looking me in the eye, I said "You are MAD! I'm MAD that you're MAD! You wanted to stay outside but I made you come upstairs! There are things that happen to mommy that makes her mad too!! She doesn't want you to feel mad right now and that makes her MAD!" He quieted down, and told me about how he was feeling, in his own Isaac-language. I had a tear come down my face and I wiped it off and showed him. He grabbed my finger, sat up, and crawled into my lap, and hugged me. He calmed right down and fell asleep. I did not yell, yet I did not speak calmly. I tried to use a tone of voice that sounded as if I understood and could reflect his anger.

I have tried this approach before, but I think my timing was off and I failed. Today it worked. I hope that it can work again.

It has me thinking though about how I deal with my feelings. I do everything I can think of to "shut them up." I numb them with substances, I discount them and tell them they don't belong, I berate myself for feeling them, I tell myself I'm weak...

Isaac lets us know when something is bothering him. He doesn't pretend he's fine while he suffers inside. I thanked God for him today because I think he may be a great example to learn from. I am not perfect, but for a long time I've tried to create this persona of a mom who's got it together and has everything she wants from life, when inside I'm crumbling away. I'm not saying I want to start throwing tantrums like a toddler, but I do want to be more open about my feelings, and learn how to own them and cope with them- instead of stuffing them down and numbing them.

My emotions are real. They are nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes they are sinful, but that's why God gave me a Savior. God is here for me to help me through them and show me a better way.