I'm Still Worthy

1Corinthians 8:7-8 says: "7But not all people know this. Some people are still so used to idols that when they eat meat, they still think of it as being sacrificed to an idol. Because their conscience is weak, when they eat it, they feel guilty. 8But food will not bring us closer to God. Refusing to eat does not make us less pleasing to God, and eating does not make us better in God's sight."

I know this is talking bible days when people sacrificed animals and food to false idols, but yesterday when I read this passage it lit up and flew off the page and filled my heart.

Food and dieting have been the two major idols I've worshiped in my lifetime. There are so many foods I have labeled evil and horrible, that if I eat them create in me an unbearable feeling of guilt and despair. Let me just repeat that word: DESPAIR. This isn't the ordinary guilt someone might get from eating one too many oreos. This is guilt that brings up the voice of my disease, "Danielle, you are fat, and stupid, and worthless. What the heck is wrong with you? Where is your self control??? Just THINK of what that food is doing to your body right now. You are dirty. Unworthy. Horrible. You should go throw up. You should take laxatives and get it OUT OF YOU." Then later, after I've berated myself, the voice starts to try and pump me up, come up with plans to manipulate and punish me for what I have done, "Tomorrow, you are not aloud to eat. Absolutely nothing. Just drink coffee, and make sure you work out." Sets me up for failure almost every time. One extreme to another.

Verse 8 says that God will love me no matter what I eat or how I eat it. I cannot, by manipulating my diet, make God like me more or less.

Now, to what in verse 7 says that not everyone knows- the truth I know now: "4So this is what I say about eating meat sacrificed to idols. We know that an idol is really nothing in the world, and we know there is only one God. 5Even though there are many things called gods, in heaven or on earth (and there are many 'gods and 'lords'), 6for us there is only one God--our Father. All things came from him, and we live for him. And there is only one Lord-- Jesus Christ. All things were made through him, and we also were made through him."

An idol is really NOTHING in the world. What matters is that there is only one God. So to let go of the diets and the compulsive eating and this obsession with food I have, I have to go to him and allow him to guide me in this life. I will not make him love me more or less by dieting successfully or unsuccessfully, but because he has made me, he can REmake me. He can remove these things from my life, if I let him show me the way. Only HE can restore the balance in my life I so desperately need.

Recently, he has removed those labels I've attached to certain foods as "evil". He's helped me to see that I can eat, and I'm STILL WORTHY. He has created a love and a longing in me for myself, my own spirit, that has me wanting to treat myself with kindness and gentleness. I want to nourish my body now, not only with good food, but with the word of God and with love for others as well.

Miracles are happening here.

Thankful For My Rock

I had a rough day Sunday in regards to making tough life decisions. To make a long story short, my fiance has been putting off getting married and won't set a date, and I'm tired of waiting around. God made it clear to me that it was time to put it to him black and white- either you wanna marry me and we start planning
how we're gonna do this, or I'm out. I'm not going to wait around anymore.

I'm so thankful for OA because I've learned that my disease has helped create a people-pleaser out of me. I don't stick up for myself, and then in turn, soothe myself with food. Now without the food, I'm feeling my discomfort, and taking action!!! I will no longer be the doormat that people wipe their shoes on. I will no longer try to over-achieve and base my happiness on anyone else's judgment but Gods! I will love myself, take care of my body, and no longer neglect my spirit.

That said, it has been a rough few days, and like many compulsive overeaters, I tend to isolate when times get tough--- including isolating myself from God. I have had a couple small binges the last two days, but I'm catching myself in my wavering today before I let it get insane again. I woke up and have taken on the day with vigor, thanks to God's strength. I came to him with my problems and admitted I had been dishonest with myself the past couple days and asked him to forgive me and take the lead just for today. Its amazing how slippery that slope is back into my disease!!! But with my support groups and God there is ALWAYS a rock or a rope to grab!

A 'Perfect' World

Today after my step work it was obvious to see where God is breaking me down. I can see how much I hold onto this fantasy of perfection that has never been real. I really have been deluded for so long. Unhappy with the things in my life that were out of control, I created this fantasy 'perfect' life I could escape to, and I manipulated people and other things in my life to attempt to make that fantasy real. More and more this work shows me where and what I hold onto way too tightly. God's breaking it all down, exposing to me slowly the painful truth. I'm letting this pain be my teacher. I will not run from it any longer. As my 'perfect' world crashes down around me I will be set free of its walls, and finally feel the light of truth shine down on me and warm my soul.

Restore Me to Sanity

My compulsive eating is something I despise. I hate food. If I could just quit eating for the rest of my life, that would be a dream come true. It is the source of so much unhappiness. It has made me fat, and being fat makes me feel worthless. It makes my life unmanageable. So caught up in eating and hiding the evidence or not eating and fighting the grumble in my stomach that I let my days pass me by. I lose out on time. Time I could use loving myself, loving my friends, and loving my family. Time I could use reading, connecting with nature, meditating. Time I could use blessing my home with cleanliness. Time I could use to pamper myself and be kind to myself. If I am going to beat this, I have to have faith! I cannot solve this, a doctor cannot solve this, a perfect husband/mother/father cannot solve this, but God can. God can heal me. God can work on me. God can lead me. If I let him. That's where faith comes in. I have to believe God can do it. I have to believe that he wants to help me, that he wants good things for my life, and trust him to take me where I need to go. Faith, honesty, and obedience. If I use today to obey what God's will is for me, I am honest with him about my needs and my feelings, if I ask from him for the courage and willpower I cannot stir up on my own... I can find freedom from compulsive eating.