Everyone judges everyone else. Its just a fact of life. Letting that judgement get in your way of love and compassion is another story. One I will not get into today.
Today I want to talk about one of my big 'ah-ha' moments this year. I've realized that the judgments I make on others are almost always judgments I've made about myself. Also- the paranoid thinking: "She talks to me that way because she thinks I'm crazy." "She didn't trust me with her kids because she thinks I'm irresponsible." "I was interrupted in that conversation because what I have to say is boring."- These are also judgments I've made on myself, that I use- or this OCD Perfectionist insanity disease uses- to excuse myself from being around people. These thoughts hurt me severely. The pierce through me and cause utter hopelessness. They zap any self-worth I may be holding onto out of me. And whats saddest about it is that I really believe this 'voice'. I believe that the people who care about me, the people who want to know me, my friends, my family, think these horrible things about me secretly. Now- maybe they do- but most likely they don't.
Victimism. I'm so used to being victimized that I generally gravitate to thoughts like these. That way I'm always being hurt, and not the one doing the hurting. That way isolating myself and avoiding LIFE is tolerated because I'm only protecting myself. That way I never have to face the things I do wrong and can scare people away from criticizing me or from trying to help me.
I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being this whiny kid. I'm pissed. I've come a long way over the years when it comes to this kind of behavior, but it STILL CRIPPLES MY LIFE. I am so afraid of everything. I really wish it was just a matter of deciding to quit being that way and it happening, but a lifetime bad habits takes a long time to reform.
For today, I rely on positive affirmations and 'I CAN' statements. If I find myself saying I can't do something I try to stop myself and say I CAN. Or I think about it and decide if its something I just don't WANT to do- that helps me face reality a little easier.
*Photo Credit to David Beck-Brown
