When I was younger my mom would get all hyped up and get these ideas about how she was going to change her life and I'd find out she had been watching Oprah again... Well- this post is about some realizations I've come to drawn out by none other than the woman my mother always admired, Oprah. At least an article from Oprah.com, by Martha Beck. Read it here.
The article is about burn out. I can think of two distinct times in my life where I burnt out. There have possibly been more, but these are the times that stand out. The beginning of my junior year in college, and about 4 months after my son was born. Today I'm just going to focus on the second one.
When I found out I was pregnant with my son it put a huge road block in my plans. My boyfriend (now husband) and I talked about it for a few months and decided it would be best I stayed home with the baby after he was born. I thought "great! I'll be able to just focus on me and my family." And I counted down the days to my due date, not only because I'd get to meet this human that had taken over my body, but because I'd get to leave the horrible job I was working. I gained 50 lbs with the pregnancy and lost about 25 shortly after birth. I started working out and lost all the weight I had gained, I found a small group through my church, I got baptized, I read every single thing about being a great mom... and I did it all very well.
I slammed into a wall about 4 months later... months of dealing with a colicky baby, working out and eating 'perfectly', trying to become this perfect Christian girl that I was not, trying to be this perfect mother I was never shown how to be, I just broke. I stopped caring. I couldn't care. I wanted to care but I couldn't. I felt suicidal and crazy. I was mean. I felt like I was the only one who cared about making things in our lives right and was tired. I felt like I was fighting a battle in a war completely on my own.
I thought, 'how can I be depressed? everything has been so great. my boyfriend completely supports me, he loves me, he's a great dad... i rarely have to worry about money, my mom lives nearby for the first time in years, my relationship with my dad is better than it has been in years, I've found God, I'm saved..... what is wrong?' I thought maybe it was a chemical imbalance, or just postpartum depression. But it continued for another year, even while taking antidepressants.
I tried 12 step groups, getting more involved in church, getting less involved with church, spending less time on the internet, trying to find a job, getting married, bible studies, workbooks, books... And the biggest thing I've learned is that I gotta be me and I gotta love myself. I have to listen to my own compass and let it direct me and tell me when things are wrong. But most of all, TO STOP TRYING TO BE PERFECT. I can't be something I am not.
The biggest thing I miss after my son came into my life and started this whirlwind is myself. I had spent years developing this person I was, and somehow lost her to motherhood completely by accident. Every day I can't help feeling I was meant for more than this.
So I have to stand up for myself and give me what me needs. Its been a long hard process, but I'm getting there. Relearning to love myself. To take care of myself like I'd take care of my own son. To be gently firm. If my needs aren't met then I'm useless and unhappy. I gotta stop being so uptight so I can enjoy this life.
After reading that article I can see that I was burnt out. A human being can only do so much with their own willpower through so much before they break down, its important we listen to our bodies and feed it what it needs (and no, I don't mean coffee and drugs!). If you feel tired, find the time to sleep. If you can't find it, make it. If feel like you want to start working out, do it, but stop when your body tells you to. If you want to go to the bakery and buy a dozen donuts to eat by yourself, figure out how your feeling and why- then do something about it, don't cover things up with food- it won't do anything but make you fat and feel worse. Just don't give up.
I am sick of feeling bored and lazy. I am determined to love and live my life.
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