Admitting you have done wrong, and saying sorry

There's a song by DC Talk that always plays on my pandora station that says:

What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behaviour
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Saviour

My body is still the body that lived without God for so long, this body is the same body that drank too much, did too many drugs- the same body that chose to take on everything on its own. God came into my life, I let Jesus in my heart- and He changed me so completely inside that I know I no longer need those things in my life; I no longer want them. My heart and soul are new- but my body remains the same, and I struggle constantly with its wants. "What's going on inside of me? I despise my own behaviour."

Its important to repent. Even with something you seem to keep doing over and over again. I get to a point where I am so twisted up inside because I'm doing things that my heart is begging me to stop and I try and distant myself from Jesus- I TRY AND DISTANCE MYSELF FROM MY OWN HEART. When we do the things our heart, our God, is begging us to stop, it starts to tear you in half inside- and if you don't repent- those tears just get bigger and more painful. I find myself, out of stubbornness and out of GUILT, holding onto these things, convincing myself "God knows I've done wrong- I don't have to tell HIM about it!" Well, don't give into that lie. If you can feel that twist and tear inside you, you know it needs to be dealt with.

I'm not sharing this lesson I learned this past weekend because I've got this down. This is a lesson I have had to learn several times, and I have no doubt I will have to learn it several more. There are many ways you can repent- ask God how he wants you to do it. Sometimes its just a prayer, sometimes he might ask you to fast, maybe even make you victim to the same sin you NEED to repent. I'm not going to tell you how- let Him.

Something come up in your mind while you were reading this? Don't delay- take care of that so you can free yourself and move on!

Encouragement

I was feeling pinned down and silenced yesterday. Issues floating around in our country that are so easily accepted were frightening me. I can't forget my faith in God.

Thanks, Katie, for sharing this psalm with me yesterday. Thank you God for your word! What a gift! Amen!

Psalm 91

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

Butternut Soup

Ok. I have never had butternut squash until I started making babyfood. My mom has a lot of dislikes when it comes to food, and squash is one of those. I feel betrayed I was robbed of eating this super healthy delicious food!! (not really, love you mom lol).

Anyway, found a very simple recipe for Butternut Soup in Parent's Magazine yesterday and decided to make it today.

Ingredients:
2 tbsp Butter
2 Shallots or 1 small onion, chopped
1.5 lbs butter nut squash, peeled and chunked
salt
pepper
6 cups water
1/2 cup cream, half and half, or milk
1 tbsp curry powder
2 tbsp cilantro

To Prepare:
Place butter in a deep stock pot over medium high heat. Add squash and onions and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Cook until the veggies start to soften, 5-8 minutes

Add the water and bring to a boil. Then lower the heat so the soup bubbles gently and cook, stirring occasionally, until slightly thickened and squash becomes fully tender, about 10-15 minutes.

Using an immersion blender (or, in my case a potato masher and whisk) puree the soup in the pan. You can also let it cool a bit and use a stand blender (I personally find that a huge hassle). Return to pan and add cream and curry powder, garnish with cilantro (not a fan of cilantro, so I skipped it).

According to the the magazine, its 267 calories; 9g protein; 22g carbs; 17g fat (11 sat); 3g fiber; 2g iron; 431g sodium. But it fails to mention what a serving is... I'm guessing probably 1 cup?

Anyway, its DELICIOUS. Isaac really liked it too!!

Support your Spouse

Sometimes its up to you to pump up someone's ego; to help show them the things about themselves they can't see. When someone in your life chooses to do something to improve their life, or improve their relationship with God- raise them up, praise them, and support them in this decision! Often we think of praising and supporting our kids' efforts, but what about our spouses? Don't forget to pump up your husband or wife- tell them they ARE awesome for doing the laundry, or for dealing with horrible people at their workplace. Applaud their accomplishments, and go out of your way to make self-improvement possible for them. If both of you can do this for each other, imagine the possibilities. Now go tell your spouse how wonderful they are, and be specific.

may this give you hope

Even though a lot of times questioning authority has got me into a lot of trouble, and caused many hardships for myself- I thank God for giving me the trait to need to try things out for myself, instead of just following what everyone else seems to be doing. Through my own trials- and my instinct to educate myself, I find myself very confident in my own actions and especially my faith.

I challenge everyone to test your own beliefs and what you think to be true by research. Do your own experiments, try new things, consider other possibilities. If you have a belief that's set in stone, it probably could use some testing.

A few months ago I had a discussion, it was actually more of an argument, where several people began testing my beliefs because I had called them out on their own ignorance. Unfortunately, being a Christian comes with a lot of labels and prejudices- one of them being close-minded. I was asked the same challenge I just asked of you. Anyone who truly knows me knows I am not close-minded and I question every thing and every person. Talk to my parents!

The more I ask questions about Christianity, about Jesus and his story- the more solid my faith becomes, and the more I believe I've made a very good decision putting my faith in Christ.

At one point in my life, these questions led me AWAY from God and away from Christianity. I asked questions, and no one had answers that satisfied me. These questions took me on an incredible journey, where I learned many painful lessons. I did things my own way and lived my life based on material wants and making myself feel good. My physical condition began to deteriorate- I gained a lot of weight, ate whatever tasted good to me- without thinking about what I was doing. I smoked, I drank, I did drugs, I had had relationships with people I admired for the wrong reasons. The more I did these things that temporarily made me feel good the more my life fell apart.

People started popping up in my life that were Christian. I thought they were naive. I thought they were hypocrites. I thought they were only happy because they believed feel-good lies. I bought into all the negative propaganda- that the bible isn't believable because its copies of copies of copies, that miracles could all be explained away with science, that religious experiences were merely for those who were mentally ill or caught up in some kind of mob mentality.

Though I thought these things of the nice Christian people I knew, I talked with them, I stayed open-minded... I didn't believe what they believed, and figured if they knew what I knew they would feel the same... they just weren't thinking outside the box. They just weren't intellectual like I was...

Conversations with one person started really getting me thinking about things. Finally I just considered the possibility that God was there, and that He could be in my every day life if I just TRIED it. I wrote a note of Facebook the day after it happened:

Yesterday, I found God again. Yeah, this is the weirdest thing by FAR to ever happen to me. I started thinking about all the reasons I refused Him, all the ways I tried to rationalize his nonexistence. And I couldn't come up with a good enough reason why I shouldn't believe and that I shouldn't allow Him back into my thoughts and everyday. As soon as I thought this it I heard Him. I felt Him. It was the most powerful thing I've ever felt in my life. I was overwhelmed with joy and shame but I felt companionship, I felt Him with me. I finally didn't feel alone. Everything that has happened to me all I've tried to control, I realized didn't even matter, because I had Him with me. That anytime I felt alone, or wanted advice or sought strength, that He would be here for me. All those things that seem to matter so much just don't. All the things I've been so SO upset about are gone. It is AWESOME. I feel like my life has finally fallen into place.

It was a powerful experience. I was alone in my apartment when what I know now was the Holy Spirit descended upon me. I wasn't mentally ill. I wasn't surrounded by a mob of people falling down chanting in tongues. I knew I wasn't stupid. The change in me was unreal. Those people who knew me before and know me now are seriously blessed to see the difference in me, as self-absorbed as that may sound. All it took was me to just open my mind to the idea that God is there and wants to be a part of my life- and BAM. He gave me visions of all the times I had talked to Him without realizing it, all the times he had been with me in my life helping me through things, all the times when I felt most alone He was THERE. The sense of comfort that came over me was wonderful.

Immediately my life started improving. I had a sense of self-confidence that had left me for years. An excitement for life returned to me. I started searching for ways to improve myself. I started paying attention to things, and not just doing things to feel good. I made it through many hardships after that without the pain and torment and depression I'd dealt with when I was trying to do it on my own. I didn't go to church for a long time. I knew God was there, but I wasn't so sure about this Jesus thing being true. I kept at my spirituality on my own a while, didn't dive into my bible much. I read into several religions, but most felt too mythical or confining- and just wrong. I kept going on like I was. The more I ran into Christianity, though, the more things just made sense.

When I started going to church I still wasn't sure about Jesus, but I felt like I was in the right place. I kept listening, and mulling things over. I looked things up and read many perspectives. It felt right. The church's pastor said things that just clicked, he said things that spoke to my heart. The more I read, the more I asked questions, the more I followed Jesus' way, the more my life started coming together.

I've never felt pushed into this. I've never ONCE felt deceived. Most surprising of all- I finally know what true spiritual FREEDOM is. When I was living without God, I was a prisoner of fear and worldly things. At the time I felt like I could do whatever I wanted and was free, but I was so trapped and horribly miserable. The more I WANT to walk in my life with Jesus, the more I TRY to, the more at peace I am in my heart.

Whatever you believe, I cannot change your mind or your heart- only you can. SET ASIDE, just for a moment, everything you know about Christians, any bad experience in church you've ever had, any pushy friend or family member who's jabbed you about this, SET ASIDE prejudices, and any fear you have of possibly changing your mind and being judged for it- I promise I won't tell anyone. Just think about what I've written here, and consider it. What IF everything I'm saying isn't just some fantasy or coincidence? What if something similar could happen for you? What if you could have even more peace in your heart than you already have? What if you could have strength to pull from outside of yourself? What do you think could change in your life? All you have to do is consider it. Ask God for a sign, ask Him to drop in on you- and search for that sign, listen to your heart- you may be surprised what happens. The more you search Him out, the more your life will change. I've seen it over and over in more lives around me than just my own.

Things I want to change

Well after I wrote my last blog I sat down and wrote a list of things in my life I wish I could change. These are things that deal with ME only- not my family or friends- because obviously I can't change them, and need to get over thinking I can!!! Not sure that can happen but I can dream lol


- say NO when I NEED TO SAY IT
- feel joy in my life
- have more self-worth
- have more self-control with food
- not avoid church functions
- trust people
- not to feel like a downer
- stop binging on food
- stop thinking about smoking cigarettes
- stop berating myself when I do something wrong
- stop agonizing over the past
- stop feeling angry and sorry for myself
- closer friendships
- to make art again- to have a place to make art
- save money
- have people actually want to be around me
- pray and read my bible more
- help people
- have a career
- exercise when I want to
- no debt
- finally lose the rest of the weight I need to lose


So there we have it. Its not a huge list. Most of the things on there can be accomplished. Some stuff on there is not possible at all. Some stuff on there is probably not true, but feels true in my brain.

Now I have to pick one and figure out how I can do it. Might as well start with the first one right? Plus having the ability to say no will definitely make the rest of those goals easier accomplished. Now how do you go about saying no?

With me, half the time I don't realize I'm even doing it. If I can think back to times where I have wanted to say no and haven't- the feeling I get when I think about actually saying it is GUILT. Why do I feel guilty? What happened in my life to make me feel guilty about saying no? Sometimes I also feel like someone won't like me if I say no. Why do I need people to like me? Why do I associate the two?

The rest of this is just random thoughts of my past- much of it is stuff I haven't shared with many people- but I'm just going to get it out and try and deal with it.

I'm sitting here trying to think about my childhood. I have journals that start when I was in 3rd grade. I could go back and read them, but I'm not sure I want to remember some of that. I'll work up to that...

I got made fun of in school from about 4th to 8th grade. We all got weighed by the school nurse every year in elementary, and in 4th grade I was the only girl in my class to go over 100 lbs. I was tall for my age... but I don't think I was actually overweight. But I remember how embarrassed I felt about that. That was one thing I got made fun of for often- my weight.

I got cussed out in front of my entire class when I was in 7th grade, the teacher was there and didn't stop the girl. It wasn't quiet either, she was standing behind me screaming at me only 4 seats away from the teachers desk, the whole room was dead silent while she did it. I sat there with my head down trying to hide my tears begging in my mind for the teacher to do something.

I got bullied by a lot of kids- walking down the hall- there were a few kids I absolutely dreaded being in the same room with. I remember one time I was in detention after school for getting caught chewing gum, and this boy Adam was in there. I hated him, he was horrible to me- I normally avoided him at all costs. The teacher that was in there was one of the only teachers I trusted at school, he had stuck up for me and my small group of friends several times. But he was called out of the room and this boy sat behind me and for about 20 minutes told me what a peice of crap I was, how fat and ugly I was, how my clothes and my fat rolls disgusted him- at this point I wasn't even FAT. I may have been 10 lbs overweight. It was ridiculous. He just hated me and knew how to hurt my feelings.

After my parents divorced I ate for comfort. I gained 100 lbs in probably less than a year. THAT was when I got fat.

I felt embarrassed a lot. I wanted to fade into the background. I wore gothic clothes so that most people would stay out of my way. I was mean and sarcastic most of the time to protect myself. I never wanted people to notice me. I didn't feel worthy of people's attention, and I didn't trust adults because every adult I'd ever known had hurt me in some way. I have never really ever felt attractive. I was never paid attention to by boys in high school. Really not much in college either. When I was paid attention to it was usually just for them to get some sexual gratification- I felt used and dirty. Again- unworthy of anything real.

My first sexual experience I guess you could call "date-rape". I got really drunk and was taken advantage of- but in a weird way I just wanted someone to think I was pretty enough to touch and pay attention to... I guess that is pretty sick, and it started a long trend of sexual encounters for me. A lot of times sex makes me feel manipulated and resurfaces all those memories of feeling dirty and used.

I am sure that a lot of this stuff is why I have trouble with my self-worth. My self-worth is my main issue for having a hard time saying no. Sadly enough I try to get people to like me by overdoing myself and giving my time when I don't really want to give it.

I'm going to work on saying no in situations that won't really hurt anybody's feelings- just slowly gain some strength there. I have definitely come a long way in the past for years, but my mind is like one of those houses you see on "Hoarders"- its full of garbage I have a very hard time letting go of. And it seems like every time I clean up one room I find a door to another room I have to go through.

I know God has plans for me- that I will be able to help people who struggle with the same things I do. I don't know exactly what he has in mind, but I do see myself helping others heal in the future, and through those experiences, finally being able to heal myself.

I recently joined a discipleship small group that was started by a few women I know, and I really feel its going to be a great place for me to be. I feel really good about it, and have a lot of hope and see that God is giving me an opportunity to make some close friends there. I believe many of us in the group have some healing to do- and will be able to help each other work through it.

I know I'm posting these things on a blog that is supposedly about learning to be a mom, lol, but I feel like having Isaac in my life has forced me to start to face these things- and healing in these areas of my life will only improve the life I can give to my son. I've been reading the Old Testament and over and over again you can see families passing sin and pain down through the generations. That can be stopped- but only if I try. If I can heal, I can at least make those problems less likely or not as severe in my children.

Mind-Clutter

It seems the more I think I've moved on from the bad in my life, the more comes to surface that I have to deal with. I have SOOOO much emotional clutter inside of me, and like many things in my life that I've had to finally face and deal with, its so overwhelming to me.

Many of us who are overweight look to those quick-fixes; diet pills, crazy work-out mechanisms, drinks, energy bars, and dvds... Those of you who have physical clutter- who have every shelf filled with knick knacks, old bottles, books you've never read- you look for quick-fixes too: storage bins, closet organizers, crates, shelves, those crazy bags you suck the air out of with a vacuum- anything to make that massive mountain of stuff in your home go away without really getting rid of it.

Well- if I've only learned one lesson in the past 4 years- its that there is no such thing as a quick fix.

I have lived a HARD life for a 25-year-old. I hate admitting that. When subjects of my past come up I try to down-play them as no big deal. I don't want recognition for it, because- YES I overcame a lot of things- but even with the lessons I've learned I have SO much pain and garbage in my head from it all- it may seem amazing to you- but to me its horrible and at times NOT FAIR.

I've been struggling in my relationship with my fiancé, and struggling with my weight again. Like any couple- we have our issues- he has stuff, just like anybody, that he has to work through too. Today was a breakthrough for me. We fought all morning, and he finally said a lot of things he's been holding back on- but because he finally said them it opened up my eyes to how my "mind-clutter" is causing me to lash out at the people I love. I am avoiding the pain it causes me daily and placing the blame for that pain on the wrong things.

I tend to get an idea in my head that something is going make it better- my "quick-fix" and go for it- at times its a pill, but most of the time its something someone- usually him- is doing that if he could just CHANGE it I'd be happy! FOR EXAMPLE: If he would JUST PUT HIS LAUNDRY IN THE HAMPER, I would be happy and I wouldn't feel like shit anymore!!! HA! It looks SO STUPID when I see it now written in front of me, but seriously I can turn that into a life or death situation.

He brought up so many things about myself I really didn't want to hear today. When put face-to-face with it all I just want to throw myself off a building. I keep thinking things like "WHY do I have to deal with this AGAIN?? I thought I did this already!!!" It seems there is just a lot of pain and brokenness buried within me I have ignored and distracted myself from for too long and finally my lovely little distractions aren't working anymore.

Finally I asked him what I should do. I feel at a complete loss. I gravitate towards self-help books, therapists, pills, websites like sparkpeople and flylady- but what he finally ended up saying was in all I really got to do this MY way and do it by me for me. Then, IMAGINE THIS, he told me exactly what God's been telling me to do for MONTHS but I keep avoiding.... sit down during Isaac's nap every day and just THINK. Think about all the things in your life, good and bad, and think about what you CAN control and what you CAN'T control. What do I WANT with my life? What are some goals I'd like to achieve? What can I change about myself to get there?

Pretty simple stuff- if you can actually get down to doing it. I need to do this. I need to stop PANICKING all the time. I need to stop blaming everyone else for why I feel like crap. I need to figure it out and just straighten it out.

So I'm going to pull out my journal, dust it off, grab an actual PEN and start jotting this stuff down.