Erase, Back up, Rewind!!!!

I have people that have been in my life that I wish I could just take a big fat eraser to my brain and erase all contact I ever had with them, and any events that happened that are now painful memories.

I have a tough time letting stuff go. Its when someone does something so nasty, for no seemingly good reason, that keeps me holding on... something that just doesn't make sense, and no matter how I try to wrap my brain around it I cannot figure out what could possibly have got them to act that way. And what REALLY keeps me holding on is when I confront someone about my feelings about it they refuse to apologize. How hard is it to forgive someone who won't apologize??? HOW HARD IS IT TO APOLOGIZE WHEN YOU SINCERELY HURT SOMEONE ???? Even if you didn't mean to, even if you think you're right and they shouldn't be hurt, if they feel hurt, they feel hurt!

I pray to God, every time that fire sparks in my heart and those memories set me ablaze, and allow him to wash his cool love over me, and almost always somehow SOMEHOW I find out something new about person that sets it all off again.

So what do I do?? I keep praying. I keep forgiving. I keep asking God to get this smoldering hearth of coals out of my chest so I can hear this person's name without burning up about it all over again. And every time I take it back, I give it back to Him again. I have to, because staying mad at someone for something that hurt me does absolutely nothing to them, it only hurts me.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you , not seven times, but seventy-seven times." Matthew 18:21-22

The Tight Rope Walk

I have found that the main emotion I experience since I've started OA and begun to realize and remove my negative coping skills is anxiety. My days are filled with having to deal with anxiety and anxiety attacks. I admit, I still do not cope with it in a positive way every time, but when I start feeling the urge to eat, and am aware of that anxiety, its a red flag to figure out whats going on and to ask God to help me deal with it properly. I've learned that when I feel and own my anxiety, and wait it out, it goes away. I have also realized very recently that I have mistaken anxiety for boredom. That when I am feeling bored, I am actually feeling anxiety that I urgently need to be doing something- and in the past I'd eat. My goal is to take this anxiety about being bored, and turn it into something positive- like meditation. Meditation on God and writing about it helps me to wait that anxiety out and feel at peace inside.

Abstinence for me is a tight rope act. I have to be focused on that rope and feel my balance... I realize that when walking on this rope that I definitely will wobble back and forth a lot, but if I keep my hands reached out and steady myself with my tools, staying in balance will become easier as time goes on.

Image from
http://www.niagarafrontier.com/devil_frame.html

Labyrinth of Memories

I'm on step 4 in OA and its a tough one- facing all the mistakes and shame from my past. I don't think anyone can stand admitting when they are wrong- maybe that just comes naturally to some people- but ohhh not for me. I freely admit that yes, I like to think I'm perfect, that my way is always the best way for everyone, and that when someone won't try my way or thinks my way is wrong I have easily written people off or judged them accordingly. Its not so much fun going through all this and realizing what a stubborn fool I've been. Admitting that a lot of relationships that fell apart were my own doing definitely leaves a nasty taste in my mouth!!!

I'm muddling through, facing my mistakes and owning them for once. Even learning from them. I've had some binge days, I've had some good days, but I am no longer the queen of excuses playing the blame game all day. Trying to live for today and not worry about tomorrow and learn from yesterday. I'm doing my best to stick close to God and allow him to hold my hand and take me through this labyrinth of memories.

I need to be gentle with myself and instead of berating myself about these mistakes and wondering "what the HECK is wrong with me???" I can look up to my loving Father and feel his smile shine down on me and his hand warmly close around mine, nod, and move forward... and wow- that's a great new way to live. His grace truly amazes me, his love really is everlasting and always there.